Judy thanks so much. this was one of those rare edits where many or almost
all of the things that needed changing were changed for the better. in
stanza 3 for instance, it first read "but I say blue is an autumn
colour...", but by changing the 'speaker' from the first person to a figure
as esoteric & nature-bound as a stag (in a semi-urban milieu too, with
"courtyard") the assertion gains more weight somehow. I also looked closer
at the sonics, having peeked at my Dylan T. collection for the first time in
a long while; stanza 4 has "slim stalk limb" with alternating assonance,
instead of the previous clumsy "hydraulics". also the unnecessary repetition
of "leaf" was left out.
I'm flattered Judy, again thank you.
KS
2008/10/4 Judy Prince <[log in to unmask]>
> This is exquisite, K! Please don't change anything unless you meditate
> about it for a week!
> OK, now we petc folk need to talk seriously about a printed POETRYETC
> collection.
>
> Tell me how you came to this revision. It will help me and the millions
> who
> peek in on petc from time to time, though we may not know they're peeking.
>
> Judy
>
> 2008/10/3 kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]>
>
> > oh sorry. it's the same link as before, I just edit it there.:
> > http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dfr8jjpv_79k95xpsj8
> >
> > KS
> >
> > 2008/10/3 Judy Prince <[log in to unmask]>
> >
> > > K, I don't know where the edit is---or is it still being done?
> > > J
> > >
> > > 2008/10/3 kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]>
> > >
> > > > there's an edit, I think the is's & are's might still be in transit
> but
> > > the
> > > > rest is better I think.
> > > >
> > > > KS
> > > >
> > > > 2008/10/1 kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]>
> > > >
> > > > > thanks Doug & Judy for the great advice. verbs are little ruffians
> > that
> > > > > sometimes need extracating. underway!
> > > > >
> > > > > KS
> > > > >
> > > > > 2008/10/1 Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
> > > > >
> > > > > Kasper
> > > > >>
> > > > >> I somewhat second Judy, but also wonder if you can rid the piece
> of
> > > the
> > > > >> 'is's & 'are's, get those lines out of the somewhat passive sense.
> > > > >>
> > > > >> the colours shine...
> > > > >>
> > > > >> Doug
> > > > >>
> > > > >> On 30-Sep-08, at 4:49 AM, kasper salonen wrote:
> > > > >>
> > > > >> disregard that earlier version, it's got more of a form now.
> here:
> > > > >>> http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dfr8jjpv_79k95xpsj8
> > > > >>>
> > > > >>> KS
> > > > >>>
> > > > >>>
> > > > >> Douglas Barbour
> > > > >> [log in to unmask]
> > > > >>
> > > > >> http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/<http://www.ualberta.ca/%7Edbarbour/>
> <
> > http://www.ualberta.ca/%7Edbarbour/><
> > > http://www.ualberta.ca/%7Edbarbour/>
> > > > >>
> > > > >> Latest books:
> > > > >> Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
> > > > >> http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
> > > > >> Wednesdays'
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > >
> > >
> >
> http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com/2008/03/new-from-aboveground-press_10.html
> > > > >>
> > > > >> bleary with hashish at a ghazal dud show
> > > > >> in Kurdistan, soaring Muslim melodies
> > > > >> over a smoked-out Jamaican one drop
> > > > >>
> > > > >> Brian Francis Slattery
> > > > >>
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
>
|