As you well know, dear P, writing poetry means never having to say you're
sorry. or something like that.
Surely, out of all those grapes and foxes, not to mention bloody lazy
raindrops, and the equally bloody jeweler's sawblade fitted into a
commodious breastbone-----you can come up with a snappppy version of this
poem writ by yourself and possibly VB which'd be appropriate for
Hallowe'en's trick or treaters, the little buggers.
chirs,
gender-splendor joodles
2008/10/17 Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]>
> Ah yes my Joodle pie
> Re1) ' write YOUR version of what you think I'm
> trying to say in this poem [heh heh heh]'.
> I get it now you want me to rewrite a poem that I do not understand so that
> I can understand it!!!
> Re gender-In a poem you can write as a man or woman!! or anything else say
> a
> possum or Yeti!
> Well re what I would like you to say is that you will soon be back in this
> blessed land far across the Lantic amidst us fun loving poetasters
> Happy birthday !!so I don't forget
> Re'Specific assistance ' tricky what! How about some apples from my
> allotment Patrick the constructivista
> Now to rewrite the poem -grab the juicy bits -parboil then roast over a
> slow
> oven and essentially basting occasionally
> P
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
> Behalf Of Judy Prince
> Sent: 17 October 2008 17:22
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: Re: FW: Poem: 'Sidelined'.....revised
>
> It's those male sex problems I've been having, Patrick, as you've so
> clearly
> identified. P'raps a sex change operation's the solution. Who'd've
> thought, though, that an incredibly sensual female-appearing person such as
> joodles would need to change her gender----again? <sigh>
> Now to the issue of that troublesome poem, in its 3 body-forms: Is there
> any version, any line, or even word, that you like, Patrick [excluding the
> title which I've now forgotten]?
>
> If you still remember my name and gender, then by all means give me some
> specific assistance with trying to write a reasonably understandable
> version
> of this poem.
>
> Here's one way to do that: 1) write YOUR version of what you think I'm
> trying to say in this poem [heh heh heh].
>
> Here's a nother way to give me specific assistance: 1) write YOUR
> version
> of what you would LIKE me to try to say in this poem [before my birthday
> which as everyone should know is 20 October].
>
> Thanks!
>
> joodles his favourite and favoured fandancer
>
>
>
> 2008/10/17 Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]>
>
> > Joodles Wonder woman
> >
> >
> >
> > Hi Joodles been following this with interest -am now confused by three
> > versions!
> >
> > I ought to try to get my little old head around it all - I am still not
> > sure
> > what is going on here about who is being sliced does the lover have a
> tail?
> >
> > Some lines
> >
> >
> > 'that one-note ache that slows my tools'
> >
> > This sounds like a male sex problem
> >
> > 'frayed lightning follows your face'
> >
> > this seems bit over effed!
> >
> > 'thunder, lazy raindrops'
> >
> > cliché?
> >
> > Do I get a touch of the old rubaiyat generally
> >
> > Fox and grapes does that relate to the sour grapes story?
> >
> > Cheers from Patrick trying to be constructive
> >
> > Best of luck with the revisings
> >
> >
> > -----Original Message-----
> > From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
> > Behalf Of Christopher C Jones
> > Sent: 17 October 2008 09:03
> > To: [log in to unmask]
> > Subject: Re: Poem: 'Sidelined'.....revised
> >
> > Judy, many thanks for this posting which (of most importance to me)
> > shows your revision procedure and which I greatly appreciate, most of
> > all. I am currently revising a major work so in the process manage to
> > convince myself I have no skill in this area. Revision seems something
> > that still, to an extent, is to be hidden from the eyes of others (or
> > was that a horror novel I read ten years ago.)
> >
> > Apologies, also for the delayed reply... have been struck down by an out
> > of control perennial border in my back garden thus spoiling the ambiance
> > in my studio (fickle, that I am) along with CFS FM and arthritis. And
> > still the front gardens and side gardens need attention... it seems a
> > ridiculous waste of resources these gardens for the eye, nose and hands,
> > however, freshly grown vegetables make it worthwhile; freshly picked
> > Hunter River Brown Onions, an early variety picked while still a mere
> > youth in mid spring, complements perfectly diced veal, along with
> > several glasses of early sweet red grape variety.
> >
> >
> > On Thu, 2008-10-09 at 07:06 -0400, Judy Prince wrote:
> > > Let's do this, then, Christopher: I'll add 2 previous drafts, you
> > 'circle'
> > > only the parts you like in them as well as the latest version, and I'll
> > > cobble together a new poem from that.
> > > Have a chopping-good time, and I invite others to do so, as well !
> > >
> > > Judy
> > >
> > > 1) OLDEST VERSION [2 Oct 08]:
> > >
> > >
> > > Sidelined
> > >
> > >
> > > I tune my jeweler's saw against breastbone and bench
> > >
> > > blade forward, you quaver and lock taut
> > >
> > > I slice you, waxed, through copper sheet
> > > but oh my love you confound me
> > > you run through my breath
> > > through the crickets' throb
> > > the one-note ache that slows my tools to night
> > >
> > > you've gone -- a fox to the grapes
> > > tail flicking
> > >
> > > ----------------
> > > jbprince
> > >
> > >
> > > 2) NEXT OLDEST VERSION [3 Oct 08]:
> > >
> > >
> > > SIDELINED
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > blade in my jeweler's saw,
> > >
> > > you quaver and lock taut
> > >
> > > I slice you, waxed, through copper sheet
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > but oh my love you confound me
> > >
> > > you run through my breathing,
> > >
> > > through the crickets' throb,
> > >
> > > a one-note ache that slows my tools to night
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > frayed lightning follows your face
> > >
> > > your warm hand on my thigh
> > >
> > > we've come to a tight emptiness, an autumnal storm
> > >
> > > its early blood-drops lazy and large
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > you leave me now
> > >
> > > you go like a fox to the grapes
> > >
> > > tail flicking
> > >
> > > ______
> > >
> > > jbprince
> > >
> > >
> > > 3) LATEST VERSION [5 Oct 08], given below after your comments:
> > > 2008/10/9 Christopher C Jones <[log in to unmask]>
> > >
> > > > Judy, with all the hesitations one adopts and needs to make sure my
> > > > comments can be ignored, it seems that this is over revised or
> edited.
> > > > For me, this allows two possibles, first to go back and look again at
> > > > earlier versions or as seems to happen so often with my writing, to
> go
> > > > further again and as such get over the over revised draft???
> > > >
> > > > Best, chris jones
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > On Sun, 2008-10-05 at 23:04 -0400, Judy Prince wrote:
> > > > > Here's a revised version---not Sufi, not especially 'mystical', but
> > > > perhaps
> > > > > more easily understood. Comments welcomed.
> > > > > Judy
> > > > >
> > > > > SIDELINED
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > blade in my jeweler's saw,
> > > > >
> > > > > you quaver and lock taut
> > > > >
> > > > > I slice you, waxed,
> > > > >
> > > > > through copper and silver sheets
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > but oh my love you confound me
> > > > >
> > > > > you slice through my breathing,
> > > > >
> > > > > through the crickets' throb,
> > > > >
> > > > > that one-note ache that slows my tools
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > thunder, lazy raindrops
> > > > >
> > > > > an autumnal storm pocks the river
> > > > >
> > > > > and lightning follows your face
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > you leave me now
> > > > >
> > > > > you go, like a fox to the grapes
> > > > >
> > > > > tail flicking
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > ---------------
> > > > >
> > > > > jbprince
> > > >
> >
>
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