Let's do this, then, Christopher: I'll add 2 previous drafts, you 'circle'
only the parts you like in them as well as the latest version, and I'll
cobble together a new poem from that.
Have a chopping-good time, and I invite others to do so, as well !
Judy
1) OLDEST VERSION [2 Oct 08]:
Sidelined
I tune my jeweler's saw against breastbone and bench
blade forward, you quaver and lock taut
I slice you, waxed, through copper sheet
but oh my love you confound me
you run through my breath
through the crickets' throb
the one-note ache that slows my tools to night
you've gone -- a fox to the grapes
tail flicking
----------------
jbprince
2) NEXT OLDEST VERSION [3 Oct 08]:
SIDELINED
blade in my jeweler's saw,
you quaver and lock taut
I slice you, waxed, through copper sheet
but oh my love you confound me
you run through my breathing,
through the crickets' throb,
a one-note ache that slows my tools to night
frayed lightning follows your face
your warm hand on my thigh
we've come to a tight emptiness, an autumnal storm
its early blood-drops lazy and large
you leave me now
you go like a fox to the grapes
tail flicking
______
jbprince
3) LATEST VERSION [5 Oct 08], given below after your comments:
2008/10/9 Christopher C Jones <[log in to unmask]>
> Judy, with all the hesitations one adopts and needs to make sure my
> comments can be ignored, it seems that this is over revised or edited.
> For me, this allows two possibles, first to go back and look again at
> earlier versions or as seems to happen so often with my writing, to go
> further again and as such get over the over revised draft???
>
> Best, chris jones
>
>
> On Sun, 2008-10-05 at 23:04 -0400, Judy Prince wrote:
> > Here's a revised version---not Sufi, not especially 'mystical', but
> perhaps
> > more easily understood. Comments welcomed.
> > Judy
> >
> > SIDELINED
> >
> >
> >
> > blade in my jeweler's saw,
> >
> > you quaver and lock taut
> >
> > I slice you, waxed,
> >
> > through copper and silver sheets
> >
> >
> >
> > but oh my love you confound me
> >
> > you slice through my breathing,
> >
> > through the crickets' throb,
> >
> > that one-note ache that slows my tools
> >
> >
> >
> > thunder, lazy raindrops
> >
> > an autumnal storm pocks the river
> >
> > and lightning follows your face
> >
> >
> >
> > you leave me now
> >
> > you go, like a fox to the grapes
> >
> > tail flicking
> >
> >
> > ---------------
> >
> > jbprince
>
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