andrew burke wrote:
> Ah, your poem doesn't deserve silence, does it.
>
> I'm not one for overly poetic language, but find lines like 'I give a fuck
> about fucking you' a little uninteresting - the poem is better without it
> and the preceding line. I appreciate your attitude and you should keep it
> here, or else it is a different poem, but the shirtfront tackle of the
> reader is offputting.
>
> Maybe a direct Stones' quote put in as a quote in italics would show
> the period and the no-brainer aspect.
>
> In the second line you say 'us'. Is that a vernacular use meaning 'me'?
>
>
> Andrew
>
Us was intended as us. That has to stay. The "I don't give a..." is up
for negotiation between me and my own head. The difference (one of
many) between real life and putative literature. It's extraordinarily
vulgar, which was by design...but the design had to fail because it was
*meant* to sound heated. I sounds more like some pages from *Naked And
The Dead*.
kw
--
Ken Wolman http://bestiaire.typepad.com http://www.petsit.com/content317832.html
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"I have been watching you; you were there, unconcerned perhaps, but with a strange distraught air of someone forever expecting a great misfortune, in sunlight, in a beautiful garden."--Maurice Maeterlinck, Pelleas et Melisande
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