will definitely think on that, Frederick; thanks, & to Sheila, too.
Doug
On 17-Sep-08, at 3:36 PM, Frederick Pollack wrote:
> ----- Original Message ----- From: "Douglas Barbour" <[log in to unmask]
> >
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Wednesday, September 17, 2008 5:27 PM
> Subject: early autumn snap
>
>
>> gold & orange already
>> overreach the green
>> through the river valley
>>
>> today leaves glow
>> announce their attachment
>> still to the brilliant sun
>>
>> 17/IX/08
>>
>> Douglas Barbour
>>
>
> Beautiful, but I think you should drop the fourth line. The reader
> knows that "gold and orange" are leaves. Saying "leaves" weakens
> the metaphor, and "glow" is a) included in, and b) much less
> interesting than, "overreach." You might give "still" its own, a
> new fifth, line.
Douglas Barbour
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http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
Latest books:
Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
Wednesdays'
http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com/2008/03/new-from-aboveground-press_10.html
Language is sound as sense.
Music is sound as sound.
R. Murray Schafer
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