> I would drop that 'a' to the next stanza, though...
I forgot to say about this, Doug. In the proverbial 99 cases out of
10, no typo there, I would, but, in this instance, it matters ...
it means that the initial stress in 'quarter' is hit hard, it acts
against the iambic drift too, and cuts ('q' is such a cutting letter,
yes?) across the idealism of form.
2008/8/12 Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>:
> I tend to agree with Martin here, Dave. I did enjoy it, & with the title, it
> does carry a reader back to a feeling of the time.
>
> After the lines so carefully eschew rhyme, though, I[m not sure that final
> couplet works as such. Though, for me, the final line pretty well does.
>
> I would drop that 'a' to the next stanza, though...
>
> Doug
> On 12-Aug-08, at 6:38 AM, Martin Dolan wrote:
>
>> Hi Dave
>>
>> I like this a lot just as it stands. On first reading, you seemed to go a
>> little heavy on the abstractions in the first stanza, but they give a
>> distancing that seems to fit the mood. Still not sure that eternal summer is
>> the go, though, even if it does set up some vague echo for me that I can't
>> place.
>>
>> As a matter of personal taste (and I know others feel differently), I'm
>> rarely comfortable with articles at the end of lines - more so when the
>> enjambment is over a stanza break.
>>
>> The last stanza seems to head in an odd direction. 'Clambered upon' seems
>> a little clumsy - though the years and the faces do fit - and the last line
>> loses me. Seems to be straining a little too much for paradox. I'd be
>> looking for something that reflects back on invulnerability, infallibility,
>> etc. No practical suggestions though - sorry.
>>
>> Regards
>>
>> Martin
>
> Douglas Barbour
> [log in to unmask]
>
> http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
>
> Latest books:
> Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
> http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
> Wednesdays'
> http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com/2008/03/new-from-aboveground-press_10.html
>
> A little planet blues, for the
> deathwatch.
> A season of rictus riffs.
>
> Dennis Lee
>
--
David Bircumshaw
Website and A Chide's Alphabet http://homepage.ntlworld.com/david.bircumshaw/
The Animal Subsides http://www.arrowheadpress.co.uk/books/animal.html
Leicester Poetry Society: http://www.poetryleicester.co.uk
|