Hi Millicent,
Thanks for the focused attention and helpful suggestions.
Back to the kitchen with these versions, and much to do.
best from Max
Quoting "M. Borges Accardi" <[log in to unmask]>:
> Hi Max,
>
> If you will pardon my posting here, I'd like to say that in poems I look for
> less-linear, perhaps less narrative work Feeling as if something CAN be
> said in a paragraph, then fine. Us fiction, Use non-fiction. Utilize the
> paragraph as a form if you are able. And, yet, poetry, must be more than
> that. Poems, I think, must capture a moment.
>
> As an example of what you might to do rise the "smoking" poem outside of the
> narrative line, I have a beginning suggestion of what direction you might
> take for a revision:
>
>
>
> Smoking Herself
>
>
>
> You have to worry,
>
> Under the same roof
>
>
>
> They worked, the cigarettes,
>
> or seemed to work.
>
>
>
> The ones she smuggles in,
>
> She always hated lies, but
>
>
>
> She doesn’t know I know,
>
> Or hasn’t let me
>
> Know.
>
>
>
> On her bedspread and pajamas,
>
> She thinks no-one will notice.
>
>
>
> In her room at night, in bed,
>
> She keeps the window open
>
>
>
> I think I know where she hides
>
>
>
> I keep the batteries fresh
>
> In the smoke detector.
>
>
>
> Hell, I’ve seen scorch marks
>
> On the curtains.
>
>
>
> But the craving is too strong.
>
> As if in the morning she feigns,
>
> Nicotine patches? Quite some time,
>
> She says.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Cheers,
>
> Millicent
> Http://www.MillicentBorgesAccardi.com
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Max Richards <[log in to unmask]>
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Sent: Tue, 12 Aug 2008 6:40 pm
> Subject: snap: smoking
>
>
>
> Smoking herself to20death
>
> Nicotine patches? Quite some time,
> hey worked, or seemed to work.
> But the craving was too strong.
> he’s always hated lies, but
> I think I know where she hides
> he cigarettes she smuggles in.
> In her room at night she smokes
> n bed – keeps the window open –
> as if in the morning
> o-one will smell the smoke.
> She doesn’t know I know,
> r hasn’t let me know she knows.
> Hell, I’ve seen scorch marks
> n her bedspread and pyjamas.
> Under the same roof
> ou have to worry.
> I keep the batteries fresh
> n the smoke detector.’
>
> ax Richards
> oncaster, Victoria
>
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------
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>
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