Hi Max,
If you will pardon my posting here, I'd like to say that in poems I look for less-linear, perhaps less narrative work Feeling as if something CAN be said in a paragraph, then fine. Us fiction, Use non-fiction. Utilize the paragraph as a form if you are able. And, yet, poetry, must be more than that. Poems, I think, must capture a moment.
As an example of what you might to do rise the "smoking" poem outside of the narrative line, I have a beginning suggestion of what direction you might take for a revision:
Smoking Herself
You have to worry,
Under the same roof
They worked, the cigarettes,
or seemed to work.
The ones she smuggles in,
She always hated lies, but
She doesn’t know I know,
Or hasn’t let me
Know.
On her bedspread and pajamas,
She thinks no-one will notice.
In her room at night, in bed,
She keeps the window open
I think I know where she hides
I keep the batteries fresh
In the smoke detector.
Hell, I’ve seen scorch marks
On the curtains.
But the craving is too strong.
As if in the morning she feigns,
Nicotine patches? Quite some time,
She says.
Cheers,
Millicent
Http://www.MillicentBorgesAccardi.com
-----Original Message-----
From: Max Richards <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask]
Sent: Tue, 12 Aug 2008 6:40 pm
Subject: snap: smoking
Smoking herself to20death
Nicotine patches? Quite some time,
hey worked, or seemed to work.
But the craving was too strong.
he’s always hated lies, but
I think I know where she hides
he cigarettes she smuggles in.
In her room at night she smokes
n bed – keeps the window open –
as if in the morning
o-one will smell the smoke.
She doesn’t know I know,
r hasn’t let me know she knows.
Hell, I’ve seen scorch marks
n her bedspread and pyjamas.
Under the same roof
ou have to worry.
I keep the batteries fresh
n the smoke detector.’
ax Richards
oncaster, Victoria
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