How about 'The receiver leapt from my ear'? More immediate, more engaging.
Andrew
2008/6/24 kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]>:
> I wouldn't say powerful; also I don't find the language especially 'good'
> except that it's concise & there's a very nice, terse, clean atmosphere to
> this. of a Real emotional reaction. the blandness or tastelessness of e.g.
> the dinner threatening to return to the plate fits the scenario perfectly;
> there's no dolling up of events, except maybe in the 'drowning man' image
> but that feels like a free association rather than a poetic device. there's
> a rawness to this that, I think, simultaneously makes this a half-baked but
> also utterly convincing poem. the ending is blunt & unlovely -- which
> works.
>
> KS
>
> 2008/6/23 Heather Taylor <[log in to unmask]>:
>
> > Hi all,
> >
> > I worked on a new poem on Friday at a workshop and I thought I'd throw it
> > out there. I've been super busy with my MA (we have our showcase on
> Friday
> > with agents, producers, etc) so I won't be online for snap day...so here
> is
> > something new!
> >
> > Heather
> >
> > Last Rites
> >
> > The receiver seemed to leap from my ear,
> > the gnarled cord pulling at it
> > like a man left drowning.
> >
> > You picked it up, rescued my father's
> > voice from the floor as my insides swayed,
> > my dinner threatening to return to my plate.
> >
> > He wants to talk to you, you said
> > acting like a life preserver between us,
> > but I didn't want to be saved.
> >
> > The man who thought he could've raised me
> > better than the wife he abandoned
> > didn't deserve any last words.
> >
>
--
Andrew
http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
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