I overlooked that in favour of the delicious metaphors. the structure
itself I'm not wild about, and the real problem is that the poem is
really just a motor for the metaphors & nothing else. though I'm
wondering whether that's a necessarily bad thing. a poem should not
mean but be, after all..
KS
On 30/01/2008, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> An interesting dream alright, clearly imaged, and I like the way you don't
> tell us about the literal question and answer, if there was one. But I don't
> like it as much as Kasper does. The way it is written seems a bit...
> overblown, or something.... (fancy me saying that!!). It risks becoming a
> singsong chant drowning itself out with repetition. There are too many
> repeats of "the seal"; also "The seal is innocent it's an innocent seal" --
> why say it twice? Worth working on...hmm... maybe I think it needs a
> different form... shorter lines??
>
> hope that's not too incoherent
>
> Janet
>
> On 30/01/2008, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >
> > everything but the over-apparent list in the final stanzas was adored
> >
> > KS
> >
> > On 30/01/2008, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > > i ask for a dream to answer the question
> > > i dream of a seal an affectionate seal
> > > it wants to be in the house with the women
> > > it slides through the door like water
> > >
> > > the seal is blue mottled purple and gold
> > > it's the swimming colors of oil on water
> > > one of the women who live in the house
> > > does not want the seal inside with the women
> > >
> > > the seal is innocent it's an innocent seal
> > > the seal is unguarded and fearless but shy
> > > the seal slips through my dream like water
> > > the seal can swim in the depths she can surface
> > >
> > > her fur is thick and sleek and dense
> > > her fur is her skin of oil and colors
> > > the deep black-blue and purple of ink
> > > and the gold foil of secrets and vows
> > >
> > > the seal stands up in the room like a woman
> > > like a woman she walks on the shore
> > > the seal slides through my mind like water
> > > the seal is a sylph, a cipher, a bond
> > >
> > > the seal is a secret, a consummation
> > > a veil, a promise, a blessing, a sanction
> > > the seal swims through my dream like water
> > > the seal is an answer to every question
> > >
> > > --
> > >
> > >
> > > ~ SB | http://www.sbpoet.com | =^..^=
> > >
> >
>
>
>
> --
> Janet Jackson
> [log in to unmask]
> www.proximity.webhop.net
> www.myspace.com/poetjj
>
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