hmm. maybe all the lines should be centered, like those poems we wrote
in our teens?
On 1/30/08, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Still half-asleep, let's try a dreamier form -- I don't know if this
> will hold up in email:
>
>
> i ask for a dream to answer the question
> i dream of a seal an affectionate seal
> it wants to be in the house with the women
>
> it slides through the door like water
>
> the seal is blue mottled purple and gold
> it's the swimming colors of oil on water
>
> one of the women who lives in the house
> does not want the seal inside with the women
>
> the seal is innocent the seal is a blessing
> the seal is unguarded and fearless but shy
>
> it slips through my dream like water
>
> she can swim in the depths she can surface
>
> her fur is thick and sleek and dense
> her fur is her skin of oil and colors
> the deep black-blue and purple of ink
> and the gold foil of secrets and vows
>
> the seal stands up in the room like a woman
> like a woman she walks on the shore
>
> the seal slides through my mind like water
>
> the seal is a sylph a cipher a bond
> the seal is a veil a consummation
>
> she swims through my dream like water
> the seal is an answer to every question
>
>
>
>
> On 1/30/08, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > I overlooked that in favour of the delicious metaphors. the structure
> > itself I'm not wild about, and the real problem is that the poem is
> > really just a motor for the metaphors & nothing else. though I'm
> > wondering whether that's a necessarily bad thing. a poem should not
> > mean but be, after all..
> >
> > KS
> >
> > On 30/01/2008, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > > An interesting dream alright, clearly imaged, and I like the way you don't
> > > tell us about the literal question and answer, if there was one. But I don't
> > > like it as much as Kasper does. The way it is written seems a bit...
> > > overblown, or something.... (fancy me saying that!!). It risks becoming a
> > > singsong chant drowning itself out with repetition. There are too many
> > > repeats of "the seal"; also "The seal is innocent it's an innocent seal" --
> > > why say it twice? Worth working on...hmm... maybe I think it needs a
> > > different form... shorter lines??
> > >
> > > hope that's not too incoherent
> > >
> > > Janet
> > >
> > > On 30/01/2008, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > > >
> > > > everything but the over-apparent list in the final stanzas was adored
> > > >
> > > > KS
> > > >
> > > > On 30/01/2008, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > > > > i ask for a dream to answer the question
> > > > > i dream of a seal an affectionate seal
> > > > > it wants to be in the house with the women
> > > > > it slides through the door like water
> > > > >
> > > > > the seal is blue mottled purple and gold
> > > > > it's the swimming colors of oil on water
> > > > > one of the women who live in the house
> > > > > does not want the seal inside with the women
> > > > >
> > > > > the seal is innocent it's an innocent seal
> > > > > the seal is unguarded and fearless but shy
> > > > > the seal slips through my dream like water
> > > > > the seal can swim in the depths she can surface
> > > > >
> > > > > her fur is thick and sleek and dense
> > > > > her fur is her skin of oil and colors
> > > > > the deep black-blue and purple of ink
> > > > > and the gold foil of secrets and vows
> > > > >
> > > > > the seal stands up in the room like a woman
> > > > > like a woman she walks on the shore
> > > > > the seal slides through my mind like water
> > > > > the seal is a sylph, a cipher, a bond
> > > > >
> > > > > the seal is a secret, a consummation
> > > > > a veil, a promise, a blessing, a sanction
> > > > > the seal swims through my dream like water
> > > > > the seal is an answer to every question
> > > > >
> > > > > --
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > ~ SB | http://www.sbpoet.com | =^..^=
> > > > >
> > > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > --
> > > Janet Jackson
> > > [log in to unmask]
> > > www.proximity.webhop.net
> > > www.myspace.com/poetjj
> > >
> >
>
>
> --
>
>
> ~ SB | http://www.sbpoet.com | =^..^=
>
--
~ SB | http://www.sbpoet.com | =^..^=
|