I like it very much; & now the metric nonchalance works just perfectly.
I'd make it 'flay', for -- yes -- flavour.
KS
On 24/01/2008, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Another formal experiment caused by this damned book I'm reading.
>
> Come down to the beach with me.
> Let's try to catch some fish
> while staring at the sea.
>
> Let's walk down after tea
> and save ourselves some cash.
> Come down to the beach with me
>
> this evening. Will we spy
> a swimming silver swish
> while staring at the sea?
>
> Forget humanity,
> their shouting smashing rush --
> come down to the beach with me
>
> to hear the ocean sigh
> its shore-touch splash and splish,
> while staring at the sea.
>
> You'll feel as floating free
> as anyone could wish
> while staring at the sea.
> Come down to the beach with me.
>
> I like it and I hate it equally.
>
> I can't make up my mind whether to have 'spy' or 'flay' in line 7. 'Flay'
> changes the poem utterly, from light and fluffy to hideously ironic. IMHO.
>
> Writing in trimeter (rather than tetrameter or pentameter) makes it even
> more difficult because you have less room for your ideas. On the other hand
> you don't have to think of as many words and there's less risk of padding it
> out to fit the metre.
>
> Janet
> --
> Janet Jackson
> [log in to unmask]
> www.proximity.webhop.net
> www.myspace.com/poetjj
>
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