That's better, but I still want to alter the ending, perhaps to
...These dreams
wrap the shoulders of your long, flat days.
(unless there is some reason you don't want to end with a 1-line stanza)
I feel that the hooded shawl image weakens the idea of the wrapping. Takes
away some of the warmth of it. Also I'm not keen on 'flat' -- it's a bit of
a cliche for the idea of boredom or depression. 'Plain'?
Janet
On 09/01/2008, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
(most of poem deleted)
> You wake in the fog of morning, slanted
>
bars of light on the ceiling. These dreams
>
> wrap the shoulders of your waking hours,
> a hooded shawl for your long, flat days.
>
>
--
Janet Jackson
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www.proximity.webhop.net
www.myspace.com/poetjj
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