Still half-asleep, let's try a dreamier form -- I don't know if this
will hold up in email:
i ask for a dream to answer the question
i dream of a seal an affectionate seal
it wants to be in the house with the women
it slides through the door like water
the seal is blue mottled purple and gold
it's the swimming colors of oil on water
one of the women who lives in the house
does not want the seal inside with the women
the seal is innocent the seal is a blessing
the seal is unguarded and fearless but shy
it slips through my dream like water
she can swim in the depths she can surface
her fur is thick and sleek and dense
her fur is her skin of oil and colors
the deep black-blue and purple of ink
and the gold foil of secrets and vows
the seal stands up in the room like a woman
like a woman she walks on the shore
the seal slides through my mind like water
the seal is a sylph a cipher a bond
the seal is a veil a consummation
she swims through my dream like water
the seal is an answer to every question
On 1/30/08, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> I overlooked that in favour of the delicious metaphors. the structure
> itself I'm not wild about, and the real problem is that the poem is
> really just a motor for the metaphors & nothing else. though I'm
> wondering whether that's a necessarily bad thing. a poem should not
> mean but be, after all..
>
> KS
>
> On 30/01/2008, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > An interesting dream alright, clearly imaged, and I like the way you don't
> > tell us about the literal question and answer, if there was one. But I don't
> > like it as much as Kasper does. The way it is written seems a bit...
> > overblown, or something.... (fancy me saying that!!). It risks becoming a
> > singsong chant drowning itself out with repetition. There are too many
> > repeats of "the seal"; also "The seal is innocent it's an innocent seal" --
> > why say it twice? Worth working on...hmm... maybe I think it needs a
> > different form... shorter lines??
> >
> > hope that's not too incoherent
> >
> > Janet
> >
> > On 30/01/2008, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > >
> > > everything but the over-apparent list in the final stanzas was adored
> > >
> > > KS
> > >
> > > On 30/01/2008, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > > > i ask for a dream to answer the question
> > > > i dream of a seal an affectionate seal
> > > > it wants to be in the house with the women
> > > > it slides through the door like water
> > > >
> > > > the seal is blue mottled purple and gold
> > > > it's the swimming colors of oil on water
> > > > one of the women who live in the house
> > > > does not want the seal inside with the women
> > > >
> > > > the seal is innocent it's an innocent seal
> > > > the seal is unguarded and fearless but shy
> > > > the seal slips through my dream like water
> > > > the seal can swim in the depths she can surface
> > > >
> > > > her fur is thick and sleek and dense
> > > > her fur is her skin of oil and colors
> > > > the deep black-blue and purple of ink
> > > > and the gold foil of secrets and vows
> > > >
> > > > the seal stands up in the room like a woman
> > > > like a woman she walks on the shore
> > > > the seal slides through my mind like water
> > > > the seal is a sylph, a cipher, a bond
> > > >
> > > > the seal is a secret, a consummation
> > > > a veil, a promise, a blessing, a sanction
> > > > the seal swims through my dream like water
> > > > the seal is an answer to every question
> > > >
> > > > --
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > ~ SB | http://www.sbpoet.com | =^..^=
> > > >
> > >
> >
> >
> >
> > --
> > Janet Jackson
> > [log in to unmask]
> > www.proximity.webhop.net
> > www.myspace.com/poetjj
> >
>
--
~ SB | http://www.sbpoet.com | =^..^=
|