An interesting dream alright, clearly imaged, and I like the way you don't
tell us about the literal question and answer, if there was one. But I don't
like it as much as Kasper does. The way it is written seems a bit...
overblown, or something.... (fancy me saying that!!). It risks becoming a
singsong chant drowning itself out with repetition. There are too many
repeats of "the seal"; also "The seal is innocent it's an innocent seal" --
why say it twice? Worth working on...hmm... maybe I think it needs a
different form... shorter lines??
hope that's not too incoherent
Janet
On 30/01/2008, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> everything but the over-apparent list in the final stanzas was adored
>
> KS
>
> On 30/01/2008, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > i ask for a dream to answer the question
> > i dream of a seal an affectionate seal
> > it wants to be in the house with the women
> > it slides through the door like water
> >
> > the seal is blue mottled purple and gold
> > it's the swimming colors of oil on water
> > one of the women who live in the house
> > does not want the seal inside with the women
> >
> > the seal is innocent it's an innocent seal
> > the seal is unguarded and fearless but shy
> > the seal slips through my dream like water
> > the seal can swim in the depths she can surface
> >
> > her fur is thick and sleek and dense
> > her fur is her skin of oil and colors
> > the deep black-blue and purple of ink
> > and the gold foil of secrets and vows
> >
> > the seal stands up in the room like a woman
> > like a woman she walks on the shore
> > the seal slides through my mind like water
> > the seal is a sylph, a cipher, a bond
> >
> > the seal is a secret, a consummation
> > a veil, a promise, a blessing, a sanction
> > the seal swims through my dream like water
> > the seal is an answer to every question
> >
> > --
> >
> >
> > ~ SB | http://www.sbpoet.com | =^..^=
> >
>
--
Janet Jackson
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www.proximity.webhop.net
www.myspace.com/poetjj
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