Yes, you build up a palpable sense of drama with the preceding lines,
and the rankles line removes that drama, which is done far better with
the next line, "Easy now, " but the next word should be "go" instead
of slide. To me, these lines are calming instructions to oneself, and
fit more with deflating the high point of the previous drama.
Roger
On Nov 8, 2007 10:45 AM, Roger Day <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> I think "these things can rankle in the midnight hour" is superfluous.
> Could it be replaced by an ellipsis?
>
>
> On Nov 7, 2007 8:39 AM, Max Richards <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > Snap: Night Watch
> >
> > Sleepless nights should be few,
> > few and far between, tolerable
> > so long as they¹re rare interesting,
> > even; hours when the dark is kind,
> > the household breathes in unison,
> > recouping itself for the morrow;
> > in the absence of distraction,
> > then, a chance to review one¹s life.
> >
> > Prolonged recurring sleeplessness,
> > however, is a menace.
> >
> > So tonight it feels acceptable,
> > predictable, comfortable:
> > run through some recent gaffes,
> > plan an apology or two,
> > rehearse some overdue charm,
> > draft some sayable sentences,
> > trust one¹s verbal memory
> > to call them up when needed.
> >
> > Others may curse the day they were born,
> > or evil politicians;
> > not I, merely my humbling stumbles:
> > five decades back, the girl lost
> > who spurned me and my fumbling;
> >
> > five hours ago, in the café,
> > that spoiled joke saying salinity
> > when I meant senility!
> > straight after that sad Julie Christie
> > movie about Alzheimer¹s...
> > then the notice on my windscreen:
> > parking fine: 55 dollars
> > these things can rankle in the night hours.
> >
> > Easy now, slide back to sleep:
> > relax head and neck, steal back
> > from Herself (for a change, not
> > insomniac) the hot water bottle
> > needed most by one¹s distant feet.
> >
> > Tomorrow, will those sentences
> > come up when called? Repeat them once,
> > then sleep. Not so neat this time?
> > Trust till morning. The clocks are chiming.
> >
> > Chiming again. Chiming again.
> >
> >
> > Max Richards
> > Doncaster, Victoria
> >
>
>
>
> --
> My Stuff: http://www.badstep.net/
> "In peace, sons bury their fathers. In war, fathers bury their sons."
> Roman Proverb
>
--
My Stuff: http://www.badstep.net/
"In peace, sons bury their fathers. In war, fathers bury their sons."
Roman Proverb
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