though do you think that the "hill-happy" part, if all the other
stupidly obvious references were taken out, would work for the poem
while being a sort of small homage?
KS
On 05/09/07, joe green <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> I like it...more later but this
>
> I stroke a summer-sour throat in this applehard air,
> tears in my eyes for the hill-happy cold.
>
> is too much. I mean the DTesque applehard and hill-happy and even summer-sour. These phrases too trapped in all of that Fern Hill country to work for me.
>
> And applehard specifically doesn't work...or I can't make it work. What would it mean...I think maybe you want to suggest air "hard" with the scent of apples (and so Autumn...)
>
>
>
> kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote: autumn has become some sort of a 'channeling season' or just a
> favourite time of year for me, when I've usually written the most &
> felt most at home. I tried to bring out the anticipation of that time
> in this poem, and I'd like to hear any & all reactions. critique if
> available. this is the third iteration of the poem, but it's more than
> open to future ones if necessary.
> here we are..
>
> http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dfr8jjpv_37g85kt3
>
> KS
>
>
>
> ---------------------------------
> Moody friends. Drama queens. Your life? Nope! - their life, your story.
> Play Sims Stories at Yahoo! Games.
>
|