Kasper
why don't you put your name at the bottom or something?
I'd get rid of the 'are' phrase in the 2nd stanza, & try to cut down in
other places, too, like the 'it must be' phrase.
also, let the situation tell us what those 3 lines with "I" try to &
overreach in doing so.
I think there are other places you might be able to edit down & thus
make stronger....
Doug
On 4-Sep-07, at 6:54 PM, kasper salonen wrote:
> autumn has become some sort of a 'channeling season' or just a
> favourite time of year for me, when I've usually written the most &
> felt most at home. I tried to bring out the anticipation of that time
> in this poem, and I'd like to hear any & all reactions. critique if
> available. this is the third iteration of the poem, but it's more than
> open to future ones if necessary.
> here we are..
>
> http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dfr8jjpv_37g85kt3
>
> KS
>
>
Douglas Barbour
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