comments interspersed...

-- 
Bob Marcacci

He that uses many words for explaining any subject, doth, like
the cuttlefish, hide himself for the most part in his own ink.
 - John Ray



> From: kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]>
> Reply-To: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics" <[log in to unmask]>
> Date: Fri, 31 Aug 2007 19:03:50 +0300
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Subject: Re: snap 'dire symbol'
> 
> - I was actually slightly partial to the colons in the 4th, but I can
> see why it would appear sloppy. or does appear, or is.

keep using them... learn to make them work better...
 
> - there is definitely a Lorca vibe in this, re: archaism & the direct
> addressal, so much so that I had thought it would be picked up on. I
> hesitate to remind that this was, and is, a snap.

can't say i'm up on my Lorca... perhaps someone more well-acquainted can
address that vibe... as a snap, i don't think you can expect serious
critique... sometimes they get rolled on by other threads, like the dust
bunting thread this week which has been all consuming, others just snap in
the wind... it's nice to get feedback, but i wouldn't expect it... no
response can be telling, as well... my own snap went by without a riffle
this week... *sniff*

> - I concur to all those line-examples; it's ridiculous how I always
> agree so readily with critique, because the observations made have all
> been made, first, by me!

with my own work, i generally know what's not working, but i usually don't
know how to go about improvements... sometimes, i just didn't see something!
d'oh! perhaps those responses validate your own ideas which you may have had
some doubts about... trust yourself...

> I should just correct them to begin with.
> the "you" is also a weak device that I overused as a kind of first
> draft 'bookmark' for a possible future tone of the poem. but I've kind
> of lost my interest in the topic anyway. I'm not good at religious
> symbolism, at all.

i would return to it... i think the topic is excellent, at least the fish
dish, and i'm going to steal it myself! i dislike the final sentence in the
segment above... think in terms of the poem, the language, your idea, not in
terms of religious symbolism...
> 
> - I was going for a contrast at the end, between horror & something
> comical and far from that world of imagery. fantasy, I don't see that
> really, but the switch is probably too sudden & tries to make up for
> other flaws in the piece.

yeah, there's contrast... too contrastic, possibly... anyhow, i definitely
wouldn't leave this idea behind... trying to contrast such things is a
valuable exercise...
> 
> Bob, thanks very much for this review.
> 
you're welcome, kaspers... hope you're enjoying uni...

> KS
> 
> On 31/08/2007, Bob Marcacci <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>> whoa... serious slashing there, Barry... you asked for it, kaspers... happy
>> to learn about this fish... and Barry's right... Google yielded some
>> interesting stuff... here's my shake...
>> 
>> river/sea at the beginning? this is a freshwater fish? this fish swims into
>> body orifices? the poem could be much more vivid with such a reference...
>> what a great metaphor unexploited here...
>> 
>> ugly punctuation, particularly in the fourth stanza... form could work much
>> better to also relate your message...
>> 
>> generally unsurprised by use of language... a bit archaic at times but not
>> used in a fresh way... is it necessary? we need more if it is... water which
>> gives life is pretty obvious... and you bang on it twice here...
>> 
>> a little caught off guard by the second stanza... are we in meta-poetry
>> territory? "text" one of many words which feels out of place... are tenses
>> important?
>> 
>> the fourth stanza beginning with "the devil" could be much stronger... it is
>> the most important part of the poem...
>> 
>> i expect the individual line to stand up on its own, removed from the poem,
>> thus an individual line should work quite hard... many lines here are simply
>> weak, these being the most obvious:
>> 
>> you are not soft <-- how about giving us an image of this
>> death to you <-- die! cluttered by verbosity
>> that which we don't see <-- clumsy
>> and had you, evil fish <-- missed opportunity for a strong birth image
>> that whatever kills you becomes. <-- weak
>> 
>> incidentally, almost all of them contain the word "you"...
>> 
>> the ending is too comic... everything before is a bit on the
>> horror/Revelations scale with fire and brimstone and blood... then at the
>> end we're transferred to a fantasy movie...
>> 
>> write 99 more poems about candirú...
>> 
>> --
>> Bob Marcacci