well, it gets worse with this draft, Andrew... seconding Douglas on the
previous form's allure...
> In the shrill sound of cicadas
weak first line... i agree with P about the sound description here... not
very inventive...
> I move the sprinkler
> pulling the hose over
don't want first person... seems invasive... also "move" and "pulling"
relate to the same action here... cut one... how about "sprinkler pulling
the hose over"?
> red rocky ground.
> Who drinks here
> beneath the evening sky
> with the lace silhouette
beneath evening sky
lace silhouette
we notice things in the work of others that is a weakness in our own work,
neh? i use "the" terribly often and always have to apply the "the" filter on
my work... still, they sneak in... i just cropped off "with" as well...
> of tall gums before
> the pink sky's edge?
> A straw-necked ibis
> wings away and quacks
> like a duck. Beneath
what else quacks? certainly, other things do... it's more interesting to
read that an ibis quacks like an ibis rather than like a duck... in other
words "like a duck" seems unimportant... winging away? *coughs*
> ochre-red clay, amongst
> a complex syntax of roots,
> strongest of earth's creatures
> push and pull a way
> through thickest breath.
> Webbed eggs fill a dark cavity,
> a thick-bellied vein worms
> by a deep chamber.
strongest part of this poem... for some reason i'm thinking of a platypus
after the webbed eggs bit... with the ibis and the duck and, what, a spider?
and worms... the strongest of earth's creature's hearkens another
creature... not an ant? i either want more of the creatures or less mixed...
> I turn my ear to
> a chortle, a choking sound
> below the cicadas -
> once, then nothing.
hard to pull of a good chortle... how can you hear anything else over the
cicadas?
--
Bob Marcacci
The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my
measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old
measurements and expect me to fit them.
- George Bernard Shaw
> From: Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]>
> Reply-To: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics" <[log in to unmask]>
> Date: Thu, 16 Aug 2007 09:11:08 +0100
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Subject: Re: poem revised
>
> Well I have trouble with the first line -surely we know what they sound like
> -could it not be more informal shorter like say just(he says tentatively!!)
> cicadas trill
> (or what ever they do blast stridulate ??barrack? clamour?? ballyhoo??
> Cacophony?? Stridulating (like poets at a reading!!
> Cheers P
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
> Behalf Of andrew burke
> Sent: 16 August 2007 07:27
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: poem revised
>
> After a number of drafts, and some suggestions from p'etcers, notably
> Max 'Cooee' Richards, I have revised my 'snap' poem, Changing the
> Sprinkler (including changing its title):
>
>
>
> Gibb River Evening
>
>
> In the shrill sound of cicadas
> I move the sprinkler
> pulling the hose over
> red rocky ground.
>
> Who drinks here
> beneath the evening sky
> with the lace silhouette
> of tall gums before
> the pink sky's edge?
> A straw-necked ibis
> wings away and quacks
> like a duck. Beneath
> ochre-red clay, amongst
> a complex syntax of roots,
> strongest of earth's creatures
> push and pull a way
> through thickest breath.
> Webbed eggs fill a dark cavity,
> a thick-bellied vein worms
> by a deep chamber.
>
> I turn my ear to
> a chortle, a choking sound
> below the cicadas -
> once, then nothing.
>
>
>
> --
> Andrew
> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> http://www.inblogs.net/hispirits
> http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
>
>
> --
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> 17:19
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