I'd strip this down, but then I always want to strip things down. You
want to make sure you don't tell your readers stuff that they'll get
anyway -- you probably don't need to say explicitly that she's waiting,
for example.
And you may want to start rethinking if your poem starts to be
modifier-driven. I've actually written something on this, which you may
find totally useless, but it's on my website at
http://www.opus40.org/tadrichards/essays.html under "Tired Words -
Working Words."
I like the visual image, and I like the ending.
Lynda Nash wrote:
> A little poem entiltled...
>
> Emily in the Window
>
> Feet upon the sill, waiting
> she hugs her knees
> and mouths words onto the glass.
>
> a cock-eyed smile
> a silent shout
> a simple wave.
>
> The creak of metal. A rush of air.
> Are you coming to play?
> All the children run
>
> along the steaming tarmac
> grass-stained fingers and holey knees
> laces of their trainers flapping.
>
> Holding tight the cold frame
> she dangles
> her hair caught on the wind.
>
>
> Tear away - I can take it!
>
>
--
Tad Richards
http://www.opus40.org/tadrichards/
http://opusforty.blogspot.com/
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