I'm not sure I asked for it really. I was looking for responses to
something other than news stories & theories for a change. well, I got
them, so in that sense you're right.
and yeah, wikipedia was undoubtedly more interesting than this thing
that I wrote, agreed again. I just wonder why it was necessary to
knuckle that into me rather than try to convey it in some less
dickheaded manner than what Barry exhibited. but, it's not important.
on to your shake/take.
- absolutely, the only use I made of the fish was the fear it struck
in me just from reading about it, it was a conscious unexploitation
but a bad choice obviously.
- I was actually slightly partial to the colons in the 4th, but I can
see why it would appear sloppy. or does appear, or is.
- there is definitely a Lorca vibe in this, re: archaism & the direct
addressal, so much so that I had thought it would be picked up on. I
hesitate to remind that this was, and is, a snap.
- the second stanza refers to the fact that I read about it & was
intrigued (as you were) by that description alone. not effective, I
know.
- I concur to all those line-examples; it's ridiculous how I always
agree so readily with critique, because the observations made have all
been made, first, by me! I should just correct them to begin with.
the "you" is also a weak device that I overused as a kind of first
draft 'bookmark' for a possible future tone of the poem. but I've kind
of lost my interest in the topic anyway. I'm not good at religious
symbolism, at all. among other shortcomings that Barry will surely be
happy to point out. ;)
- I was going for a contrast at the end, between horror & something
comical and far from that world of imagery. fantasy, I don't see that
really, but the switch is probably too sudden & tries to make up for
other flaws in the piece.
Bob, thanks very much for this review.
KS
On 31/08/2007, Bob Marcacci <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> whoa... serious slashing there, Barry... you asked for it, kaspers... happy
> to learn about this fish... and Barry's right... Google yielded some
> interesting stuff... here's my shake...
>
> river/sea at the beginning? this is a freshwater fish? this fish swims into
> body orifices? the poem could be much more vivid with such a reference...
> what a great metaphor unexploited here...
>
> ugly punctuation, particularly in the fourth stanza... form could work much
> better to also relate your message...
>
> generally unsurprised by use of language... a bit archaic at times but not
> used in a fresh way... is it necessary? we need more if it is... water which
> gives life is pretty obvious... and you bang on it twice here...
>
> a little caught off guard by the second stanza... are we in meta-poetry
> territory? "text" one of many words which feels out of place... are tenses
> important?
>
> the fourth stanza beginning with "the devil" could be much stronger... it is
> the most important part of the poem...
>
> i expect the individual line to stand up on its own, removed from the poem,
> thus an individual line should work quite hard... many lines here are simply
> weak, these being the most obvious:
>
> you are not soft <-- how about giving us an image of this
> death to you <-- die! cluttered by verbosity
> that which we don't see <-- clumsy
> and had you, evil fish <-- missed opportunity for a strong birth image
> that whatever kills you becomes. <-- weak
>
> incidentally, almost all of them contain the word "you"...
>
> the ending is too comic... everything before is a bit on the
> horror/Revelations scale with fire and brimstone and blood... then at the
> end we're transferred to a fantasy movie...
>
> write 99 more poems about candirú...
>
> --
> Bob Marcacci
>
> Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something
> to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
> - Joseph Addison
>
>
>
> > From: kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]>
> > Reply-To: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics" <[log in to unmask]>
> > Date: Fri, 31 Aug 2007 16:35:30 +0300
> > To: <[log in to unmask]>
> > Subject: Re: snap 'dire symbol'
> >
> > irritable coccyx syndrome. you are excused.
> >
> > so does everyone else have a similar excuse?
> > this isn't me being a self-centered attention-hogger, I'm just
> > genuinely surprised that nobody wanted to say anything at all about
> > the poem I put up. also, what sort of an example are we giving Lynda?
> > I'm among the guilty there, I've been meaning to reply to her latest
> > piece but with the first week of university I've been a bit tuckered
> > out.
> >
> > everyone get off your asses. I mean coccyxes.
> >
> > KS
> >
> > On 31/08/2007, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >> Yes, today, I am very passive. Went to shoo a dog out of the
> >> schoolchildren's way two days ago and ended up flying through the air and
> >> landing on my posterior. Very sore coccyx. My back is now also ginger. So my
> >> mood is extremely irritable but my programme in life is nowadays to be
> >> gentle and kind to my fellow humans. Passive, yes. Still waters run
> >> irritably. I may approach your poem tomorrow if football doesn't get too
> >> exciting.
> >>
> >> Andrew
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> On 31/08/2007, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >>>
> >>> well that's passive for you. if you don't have anything at all to
> >>> comment about the poem, that's fine. I was just under the impression
> >>> that this was a POETRY mailing list.
> >>>
> >>> KS
> >>>
> >>> On 31/08/2007, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >>>> Neither, just didn't know from what was sent.
> >>>>
> >>>> A
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> On 31/08/2007, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >>>>>
> >>>>> andrew, what did you mean by "did you write that"? was it positive or
> >>>>> negative disbelief?
> >>>>>
> >>>>> anyone else have anything to say?
> >>>>>
> >>>>> KS
> >>>>>
> >>>>> On 18/08/2007, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >>>>>> Did you write that, Kasper?
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> On 18/08/07, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >>>>>>> http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dfr8jjpv_32cgm7xg
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>>> KS
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> --
> >>>>>> Andrew
> >>>>>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> >>>>>> http://www.inblogs.net/hispirits
> >>>>>> http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> --
> >>>> Andrew
> >>>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> >>>> http://www.inblogs.net/hispirits
> >>>> http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
> >>>>
> >>>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> --
> >> Andrew
> >> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> >> http://www.inblogs.net/hispirits
> >> http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
> >>
>
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