this is quite good. I don't like 'willy-willy-wagtail', it's very out
of (the poem's) character.
'black as coal' is also a pretty blinding cliché, wouldn't you say? I
do like that you chose coal over 'night' or something because the
connections to poverty & dirtiness &c add to the little boy's nature.
but maybe 'black as a coal', to maybe lessen the dumbness?
also the autobio-part is unnecessary, the speaker doesn't need to
insert (or assert) himself. otherwise the last stanza is ok, though
what does "watching out for / King Browns" mean??
KS
On 25/07/07, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> a five year old boy,
> black as coal,
> weilds a stockwhip
> in the yard. It's
> shortened for him-
> still he makes it crack
> lightning and thunder.
>
> on the cyclone fence
> a black crow steps
> gingerly toward
> the chirping chittering
> willy-willy-wagtail
>
> whose lifelong mate
> skips and hops
> in the waterfall
> of a plastic sprinkler
> to settle the dust.
>
> I'm a cityslicker in
> an exotic world again,
> breathing in
> true bulldust,
> watching out for
> King Browns.
>
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