oh boy I dig this. it's small & marvelous.
the first stanza is exquisitely enjambed, as is the last. the joy is
in the well-executed string of adjectives & the intransitive 'stack',
as well as the way the sentence comes to an abrupt but smooth close.
with my yankie phonics I get assonance in tarmac, path, smashed. a
good little phrase. the fling-and-smashems!!! that's just too cute, &
too awesome.
the prosaic third stanza is booted up again with the fourth.
repetition of 'stack' works well. repetition of 'green', however, does
not. "to mosaic" is now my favourite verb.
great subtle intro of blood, I felt a tingle. 'plastic' I questioned
at first, but it made me think of clotted blood which I thought was
groovy.
'after the bin clamp down' is a confusing clause, but it sounds great
& a comma after 'bin' would ruin it.
repetition of 'drain' works, because of the cool, lukewarm tetrameter.
I loved this.
KS
On 29/06/07, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> my latest
> Janet
>
> Stack
>
>
> Between the calloused shortnailed
> thin fingertips stack
> all the pieces.
>
> On the tarmac path a stubby, smashed. It's not
> That Sort Of Area, but this corner
> attracts the fling-and-smashems.
>
> Ten metres on there's a house whose bins
> are kept in front.
>
> Stack all the pieces.
> A nice green, a lucent lightdark green.
> Too sharp to recycle
> or mosaic.
>
> By the nail of the pinkwhite
> right middle finger, plastic
> fire-engine blood. No pain.
>
> After the bin clamp down the thumb and index
> to close the capillaries, and walk back
> to the lock that fits the key.
>
> Blood and water down the ugly drain
> to the septic tank and the leach drain.
>
> Between the calloused shortnailed
> thin fingertips stack
> all the pieces.
>
> --------------------------------------------------------
> Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
> Poems at Proximity: www dot proximity dot webhop dot net
>
> My life is like a movie
> that everyone but me has seen
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
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