Thanks Frederick
Consider your suggestions considered. I didn't have the ;lit' there at
first, then thought it might add; if it doesn't, as you suggest, then
it should go, yes.
and yes, you're right about 'aloof' -- too much there, thanks.
Doug
On 28-Jun-07, at 3:57 PM, Frederick Pollack wrote:
> I like this a lot, Doug. Fast rhythm / alliteration in stanza 3, w/
> "small" in last stanza picking up "squall." If I may make 2
> suggestions: you don't need "lit" in st. 2; and in 4, "aloof" =
> "impervious": how about simply "the male's white head"? The
> distinction "World"/"Planet" very nicely poses, opens the door on,
> what follows.
Douglas Barbour
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