the form & the scatter of imagery is pleasing, & the sounds are good.
and yet I have criticisms, if you can beleive it.
there must be a better way of saying "World full of trouble" (a line
which can only be pulled off if sung by a baritone female soul
artist), as well as "Planet keeps on", while still maintaining the
world/planet dichotomy. that opening is one of the worst I've seen, if
transparency is a sin (it is).
what the second stanza does badly the third stanza does excellently.
these 'small things' are a favourite thing of mine, as are successful
sound patterns & imagery: "... upon the hydro pole eaglets squall
hidden still grey mother hovering". super.
'aloof' is silly, especially of a HEAD. maybe if the whole animal were aloof.
'impervious', I'd say, is enough; to say what it's impervious to makes
it less impervious.
'gazing' isn't cool, it's something a young wannabe poet does when
sitting on a cliff on holiday. not an eagle, one of the epitomes of
cool in the animal kingdom.
hehe, 'small running food'. a bit too humorous for the 'gazing' tone
of the poem? in fact since this ends up being a poem about eagles
maybe the first stanza should just go?
KS
On 28/06/07, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> World full of trouble
> but Planet keeps on
>
> keeping small things
> bird on a wire cheeping
> in bright sun lit
>
> & in their nest upon the hydro
> pole eaglets squall
> hidden still
> grey mother hovering
>
> male's aloof white head
> impervious to cries & traffic noise
> gazing out upon the river
> bridge fields the small
> running food to come
>
> (Grand River, Cambridge Ontario)
>
> Douglas Barbour
> 11655 - 72 Avenue NW
> Edmonton Ab T6G 0B9
> (780) 436 3320
> http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
>
> Latest book: Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
> http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
>
>
> God be with you, my dears. You keep
> the old bugger. I shan't be needing him!
>
> Norman Douglas (last words)
>
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