Ah, well, thanks for the careful read, Kasper. That first stanza is
there in me, but also an allusion to a song, actually in that first
line.
Parts & whole, & even shifts of tone, sometimes they work, sometimes
not, I guess....
But I can believe it <g>....
Doug
On 29-Jun-07, at 3:57 AM, kasper salonen wrote:
> the form & the scatter of imagery is pleasing, & the sounds are good.
> and yet I have criticisms, if you can beleive it.
>
> there must be a better way of saying "World full of trouble" (a line
> which can only be pulled off if sung by a baritone female soul
> artist), as well as "Planet keeps on", while still maintaining the
> world/planet dichotomy. that opening is one of the worst I've seen, if
> transparency is a sin (it is).
>
> what the second stanza does badly the third stanza does excellently.
> these 'small things' are a favourite thing of mine, as are successful
> sound patterns & imagery: "... upon the hydro pole eaglets squall
> hidden still grey mother hovering". super.
>
> 'aloof' is silly, especially of a HEAD. maybe if the whole animal were
> aloof.
> 'impervious', I'd say, is enough; to say what it's impervious to makes
> it less impervious.
> 'gazing' isn't cool, it's something a young wannabe poet does when
> sitting on a cliff on holiday. not an eagle, one of the epitomes of
> cool in the animal kingdom.
>
> hehe, 'small running food'. a bit too humorous for the 'gazing' tone
> of the poem? in fact since this ends up being a poem about eagles
> maybe the first stanza should just go?
>
> KS
>
> On 28/06/07, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>> World full of trouble
>> but Planet keeps on
>>
>> keeping small things
>> bird on a wire cheeping
>> in bright sun lit
>>
>> & in their nest upon the hydro
>> pole eaglets squall
>> hidden still
>> grey mother hovering
>>
>> male's aloof white head
>> impervious to cries & traffic noise
>> gazing out upon the river
>> bridge fields the small
>> running food to come
>>
>> (Grand River, Cambridge Ontario)
>>
>> Douglas Barbour
>> 11655 - 72 Avenue NW
>> Edmonton Ab T6G 0B9
>> (780) 436 3320
>> http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
>>
>> Latest book: Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
>> http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
>>
>>
>> God be with you, my dears. You keep
>> the old bugger. I shan't be needing him!
>>
>> Norman Douglas (last words)
>>
>
>
Douglas Barbour
11655 - 72 Avenue NW
Edmonton Ab T6G 0B9
(780) 436 3320
http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
Latest book: Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
God be with you, my dears. You keep
the old bugger. I shan't be needing him!
Norman Douglas (last words)
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