> I agree -- I like it a lot. Wonder how it would read if you tightened up
> some of the loose verb constructions: Is gone, what's left is, it's not
> just me who...that sort of thing.
Yes, that would probably help.
I also think there are too many adjectives.
It's a strong idea with a powerful voice, but the voice and idea
are almost drowning in language.
To make an analogy with sculpture: you can see the beautiful
shape coming through, but there are extraneous lumps of material
still clinging to it.
To make an analogy with recorded music: it's over-produced.
Janet
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Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
Poems at Proximity: www dot proximity dot webhop dot net
Our humanity is diminished when we have no mission
bigger than ourselves.
Bono
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