> HUNGER'S NEED AND THEATER OF CRUELTY
> (February 1968, for Maddie Kasner)
This is getting there but there is still stuff I want to shorten --
some of the emotional explanations. We get the picture,
I don't think we need so much self-analysis.
> and I'd recently broken up with someone
> I thought was Special,
> and like any good professional victime,
> I was ripe for more hurt, unready
> to receive whatever offering might come,
> primed unawares to give what I'd lately received,
> and it all coalesced soon enough
I feel this stanza goes on a bit long -- maybe take out the 5th
and 7th lines ("to receive..." and "and it all coalesced")?
Also you are "ripe" and "unready" in the one line and that seems
a contradiction.
...
> and turned and left to leave her
> standing aghast and I am sure hating me
> for at least an hour thereafter.
and this I feel would be stronger if you stopped at 'aghast'.
> No, longer. She left the job shortly thereafter
> and did not speak to me again, ever, while she was there.
> What power had I, to break a heart
> as mine had been broken.
and in this, I'd like it better without the last 2 lines "What...".
...
> To this day, Maddie, I am truly sorry.
> I feel the same now as then: it was hopeless hope
> and I was at least lucky to see it even if the cruelty
> was a bit much to handle.
> I guess that defines Shit Happens
> even if we could not.
I'm not sure about that ending.
Basically I'm hearing, "Well, I am sorry, Maddie, but, you know,
shit happens". The "shit happens" kind of lessens the sorry.
I want to end it after "sorry" but maybe that won't suit you.
Hope this isn't too many suggestions -- feel free to ignore!
Janet
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Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
Poems at Proximity: www dot proximity dot webhop dot net
Our humanity is diminished when we have no mission
bigger than ourselves.
Bono
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