Janet, that is exactly what I like in this poem, its abundance,
here are some examples:
tangle of a rattled, flowerless bush
groan of a damp land
choked on the scuttled
bowels
grandad-appletree, gnarled from birth,
touring a ruin
soil's softened, rearing-green sting
given slender thorns¯a bullace plum
thinning structures: white skulls
I would keep these passages and maybe, as the Old Mole originally said
tighten up the narrative voice.
On 5/20/07, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > I agree -- I like it a lot. Wonder how it would read if you tightened up
> > some of the loose verb constructions: Is gone, what's left is, it's not
> > just me who...that sort of thing.
>
> Yes, that would probably help.
>
> I also think there are too many adjectives.
>
> It's a strong idea with a powerful voice, but the voice and idea
> are almost drowning in language.
>
> To make an analogy with sculpture: you can see the beautiful
> shape coming through, but there are extraneous lumps of material
> still clinging to it.
>
> To make an analogy with recorded music: it's over-produced.
>
> Janet
>
> -------------------------------------------------------
> Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
> Poems at Proximity: www dot proximity dot webhop dot net
>
> Our humanity is diminished when we have no mission
> bigger than ourselves.
> Bono
> -------------------------------------------------------
>
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