thank you all for your critiques on this piece. here is a revision, which i
think is an improvement. i agree with andrew that it would be good to take
the "I" from the first line, but can't see a way just yet:
I stepped from my house this morning,
head crowded with voices from dreams,
into shivering air, trembling air, symphonies
of waxwings and robins, a percussion
of crows ... Why do we enter the future
with the past in our night pockets? Trees
shook with squirrel passions; goldfish
drifted from the pond's dark bottom
into pale water. At dusk the mountains
were scarved with mist.
On 4/4/07, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> I stepped from my house this morning,
> head crowded with voices from dreams,
> into shivering air, trembling air, symphonies
> of waxwings and robins, a percussion
> of crows ... Why do we enter the future
> with the past in our night pockets? Trees
> shook with squirrel passions; goldfish
> drifted from the pond's dark bottom
> up into pale water, reacquainting themselves
> with the surface. The day passed slowly.
> At dusk the mountains were scarved with mist.
>
> <http://www.sbpoet.com>
--
~ SB =^..^=
http://www.sbpoet.com
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