Sorry Sharon,
are you answering my message? If yes, I was not clear. I mean that you could
use instead of "I stepped" (since you said you did not like that "I")
"Stepping".
That "Could go?" meant: do you think this could work? Something like this:
*Stepping from my house this morning*
*into shivering air, trembling air, symphonies*
*....*
I don't dislike your version starting with:
*I stepped from my house this morning*
*into...
*
On 4/6/07, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> maybe this?
>
> Head crowded with voices from dreams
> > I stepped from my house this morning
> > into shivering air, trembling air, symphonies
> > of waxwings and robins, a percussion
> > of crows ... Why do we enter the future
> > with the past in our night pockets? Trees
> > shook with squirrel passions; goldfish
> > drifted from the pond's dark bottom
> > into pale water. At dusk the mountains
> > were scarved with mist.
> >
>
> i don't think the stepping out can go -- how else to transition from dream
> to morning? -- that transition being, in some way, the heart of the poem,
> i
> think?
>
> & yes, i have certainily been influenced heavily by translations from
> chinese (& japanese).
>
>
> On 4/6/07, Anny Ballardini <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >
> > Stepping from my house this morning
> > ...
> > ? Could this go?
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>
> --
> ~ SB =^..^=
>
> http://www.sbpoet.com
>
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