Thinking back on my postings, I rarely critique, and I've never
re-written. Maybe I was being a little crude in my approach: my
intention was to show - to put forward a template - in a piece I
thought was up for critiquing. A question was asked "I want to get rid
of the I" and the only way I could see of answering that question was
to do what I did[1]. Yes, I did re-write, no, I wasn't trying to
better the original or what Sharon could do, which is what Patrick's
and Halvard's postings imply. It was a short way to try and get my
point across - I'll know better in future.
Thinking back on it, this position is probably a little subtle for the
broad brush strokes being employed below. Now, I wish I'd a STFU.
Don't worry - I shan't be touching either of your precious snaps. Not
unless I really get pissed then I'll mash them with some porn,
possibly some McGonnagal, and put the result through a Markov chain
program. Only joking.
Roger
[1] Now this sentence requires you to look back and read my original posting.
On 4/9/07, Halvard Johnson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> I second that notion.
>
> Hal
>
> "No passion in the world is equal to
> the passion to alter someone else's draft."
> --H. G. Wells
>
> Halvard Johnson
> ================
> [log in to unmask]
> [log in to unmask]
> http://home.earthlink.net/~halvard
> http://entropyandme.blogspot.com
> http://imageswithoutwords.blogspot.com
> http://www.hamiltonstone.org
>
> On Apr 9, 2007, at 1:48 AM, Patrick Mc Manus wrote:
>
> > Roger These people who are cursed with wanting to rewrite other
> > peoples
> > snaps!!!!!! Ban them that's what I say :-)
> > Patrick de raynes park
> >
> > -----Original Message-----
> > From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics
> > [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
> > Behalf Of Roger Day
> > Sent: 08 April 2007 17:37
> > To: [log in to unmask]
> > Subject: Re: snapshot -- revision
> >
> > how about this?
> >
> > Stepping into the morning
> > waxwing symphonies and crow concertos
> > air shivering, air trembling
> > sandman cacophony crowding out the daylight
> > ... why do we enter the future
> > with the past in our deep night pockets
> >
> > although you may not want to go that far ...
> >
> > On 4/6/07, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >> thank you all for your critiques on this piece. here is a
> >> revision, which
> > i
> >> think is an improvement. i agree with andrew that it would be good
> >> to take
> >> the "I" from the first line, but can't see a way just yet:
> >>
> >>
> >> I stepped from my house this morning,
> >> head crowded with voices from dreams,
> >> into shivering air, trembling air, symphonies
> >> of waxwings and robins, a percussion
> >> of crows ... Why do we enter the future
> >> with the past in our night pockets? Trees
> >> shook with squirrel passions; goldfish
> >> drifted from the pond's dark bottom
> >> into pale water. At dusk the mountains
> >> were scarved with mist.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> On 4/4/07, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >>>
> >>> I stepped from my house this morning,
> >>> head crowded with voices from dreams,
> >>> into shivering air, trembling air, symphonies
> >>> of waxwings and robins, a percussion
> >>> of crows ... Why do we enter the future
> >>> with the past in our night pockets? Trees
> >>> shook with squirrel passions; goldfish
> >>> drifted from the pond's dark bottom
> >>> up into pale water, reacquainting themselves
> >>> with the surface. The day passed slowly.
> >>> At dusk the mountains were scarved with mist.
> >>>
> >>> <http://www.sbpoet.com>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> --
> >> ~ SB =^..^=
> >>
> >> http://www.sbpoet.com
> >>
> >
> >
> > --
> > My Stuff: http://www.badstep.net/
> > "Patriotism is a virtue of the vicious." Oscar Wilde
>
--
My Stuff: http://www.badstep.net/
"Patriotism is a virtue of the vicious." Oscar Wilde
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