Wonderful revision, Sharon. (& I like that first line second as a version.)
I am sitting in the heart (or is it the arsehole?) of China, and I
tell you they are more interested in big American dollars than their
own beautiful poetry!! Even in this university ... Sigh. ('Money
doesn't talk / It swears' Dylan)
Bai Bin
On 07/04/07, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> ah -- yes, i misunderstood. thanks for the clarification.
>
> On 4/6/07, Anny Ballardini <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >
> > Sorry Sharon,
> >
> > are you answering my message? If yes, I was not clear. I mean that you
> > could
> > use instead of "I stepped" (since you said you did not like that "I")
> > "Stepping".
> > That "Could go?" meant: do you think this could work? Something like this:
> >
> > *Stepping from my house this morning*
> > *into shivering air, trembling air, symphonies*
> > *....*
> >
> > I don't dislike your version starting with:
> >
> > *I stepped from my house this morning*
> > *into...
> > *
> >
> > On 4/6/07, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > >
> > > maybe this?
> > >
> > > Head crowded with voices from dreams
> > > > I stepped from my house this morning
> > > > into shivering air, trembling air, symphonies
> > > > of waxwings and robins, a percussion
> > > > of crows ... Why do we enter the future
> > > > with the past in our night pockets? Trees
> > > > shook with squirrel passions; goldfish
> > > > drifted from the pond's dark bottom
> > > > into pale water. At dusk the mountains
> > > > were scarved with mist.
> > > >
> > >
> > > i don't think the stepping out can go -- how else to transition from
> > dream
> > > to morning? -- that transition being, in some way, the heart of the
> > poem,
> > > i
> > > think?
> > >
> > > & yes, i have certainily been influenced heavily by translations from
> > > chinese (& japanese).
> > >
> > >
> > > On 4/6/07, Anny Ballardini <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > > >
> > > > Stepping from my house this morning
> > > > ...
> > > > ? Could this go?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> > >
> > > --
> > > ~ SB =^..^=
> > >
> > > http://www.sbpoet.com
> > >
> >
>
>
>
> --
> ~ SB =^..^=
>
> http://www.sbpoet.com
>
--
Andrew
http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
http://www.inblogs.net/hispirits
http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
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