Dear Sofia and all others,
I don't have any experience, but I have tried to make the decision for two years: whether or not to have a baby during my PhD.
Sofia, just try to look the good side of your life. You are doing PhD, that's not everyone can do. You have your loved husband, that's many people are still looking for, and the marriage gave back your confidence. And now, you have a baby, a family. The more you have, then the more time and energy you have to pay to manage them. That's the life. To my mind, you are already very strong. I am from china, there's saying "month sitting". It means, after child born, you suppose to lie on bed for the whole month and do nothing. It supposes to have someone look after YOU and feed you on the bed. J When I came here, I was so surprised western women can actually manage so much during their pregnancy and after their baby born. So compare to the other part the world, you had done a lot more! just relax, don't worried about your PhD for this stage.
now my story, please someone help me to make the decision.
Now I am in my second year of phd. two and half years ago, when I started MRes, I got married. My husband come UK with me as dependent. After two months seeking job in Birmingham, he didn't find any but got a chance to work in London. During those two years, we (basically me) had thinking of to having a child but... many worries. Half year ago, he decided to quit the job and came to Birmingham. I thought after he settle down the job, we could have a baby. However, things are not that lucky. He still hasn't found any job in Birmingham and now started to look other cities... I know it's pretty common to have first baby after 30 years age here. But I have too much worrying to have a baby in a later age. But now, I have pressure in my phd. Sometime, I have to work late. This is neither best time for baby. Beside that, as an oversea student, I can only take off 4 months from my phd (for a UK visa reasons). It seems not easy to manage the phd and baby. Especially, my husband might not able to be with me in the same city. Though most people can manage, but it does affect the performance. But if wait, I don't know what life would be after my phd. There's maybe something else happens. the early career is still an important stage. I had waited for two years already! If I am not that well organized, if I did unplanned pregnant, I would have to be strong and try my best(though i know it's easier to say than really do it). Please give me any ideas whether I should take this challenge?
and Sofia, i wish you will get able to manage well both as soon as possible, and enjoy your new stage of life.
Yuan
________________________________
From: Research of postgraduate psychologists. on behalf of Jo Fludder
Sent: Thu 3/1/2007 10:32
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: Coping with a PhD... and a new baby
Hi Sofia
You know I dont have a baby, and dont have the problems associated with it.
However, I have a whole heap of health related issues which also cause
similar outcomes, such as not doing housework, and not working for ages,
etc.
I think you need to go about this in a slightly different way. The other
that have replied are right. You need to adapt to your new situation, and
come to terms with the fact that things will not be as they were before
your baby arrived. Take things one stage at a time. Set very small goals
each week for yourself, which you could try and do at a flexible time when
baby is sleeping. These can include housework, unpacking, etc, but could
also include just looking over some of your olde notes, or brain storming
about different aspects of the ideas that you were looking at before you
moved house.
I dont know about your financial situation, but I suggest that if you are
still employed as a research assistant in the dept that you suspend that
indefinately. Remeber, you need to adapt to your new situation, and this
will mean changing the way you managed things before. Thus, having an extra
worry on top of the other things is just not worth it.
As for feeling like a fraud, I'm now in my fourth year, and going on an
hour by hour basis of flitting between feeling just about good enough to
dio a phd, and feeling that I should quit tommorrow. I understand that
everyone goes through periods like this, and the more time pressures (for
me) or other demands and constraints are placed upon us, the more we feel
that things are out of our control, and consequently, that we are not
worthy or competent enough to continue.
hope some of this helps. Hang in there.
best wishes buddy.
jo
On Mar 1 2007, Kathryn Jane Gardner wrote:
>Hi Sofia,
>
>Anna is right. This can be done. I share an office with someone who I
>call "superwoman". During her PhD she has had 4 children, but she's
>still here many years on, seeing it through to the end. And she takes
>everything in her stride and is always so positive. I think her 2 eldest
>are at school now and she has a stay at home child minder for the others
>so she can come into the office and work in peace, or go out into the
>community and collect data. Unlike me and many other PhD students, she
>doesn't have the luxury of being able to take her PhD home with her due
>to family commitments, but that doesn't mean it can't be done. It simply
>means learning to juggle work and family life. Give it time and you too
>will adapt and find a way of working and living that suits you. There
>will be times when the baby won't sleep and so you can't either and so
>your PhD work gets put to one side, but try not to panic; this is all
>part of life. I am learning this at the moment. I too am moving into a
>new house that needs lots of work, and initially I resented the time it
>was taking away from my PhD, but people have tried to drum it into me
>that life is never about having time to concentrate solely on one thing
>at a time. New things come up to challenge us and make life interesting,
>and the skill is learning to juggle what life throws at you.
>
>If you're struggling to keep on top of the house work then you're
>certainly not alone. Babies seem to have that effect! If you can get
>people to help out then do, but otherwise you'll soon learn to adapt and
>be the fastest house cleaner there is! But in the grand scheme of things
>don't panic if the hovering doesn't get done for 2 days. I think there
>is the tendency for new mothers to worry so much that there houses look
>like a bomb site, probably because they're so used to seeing them so
>tidy. But don't put to much pressure on yourself. Let the hovering wait
>and have a lie in one morning. Or if you find a quiet few hours when the
>baby is sleeping, grab the opportunity to work on your PhD and whiz
>round and do the cleaning later on. You'll probably feel more motivated
>to tidy up once you've got some PhD work out the way and feel like
>you're making progress in other areas.
>
>And remember, if you need support talk to your fellow PhD students or
>supervisors.
>
>Good luck with it all, and Congrats on the new arrival!
>
>Kathryn
>
>>>> Sofia Barbosa Boucas <[log in to unmask]> 02/28/07
>9:10 PM >>>
>Dear All,
>
>I've been thinking about writing an email to you all for a while now and
>
>I've finally found the courage.
>
>I started my PhD at the beginning of January 2005. Half way through that
>
>year I began to question my ability to do it, I felt I wasn't good
>enough,
>I felt I was a fraud, people must be totally wrong about me skills and
>habilities and I've managed to fool them so well, etc. etc. etc.... By
>around September/October of year 1 I hadn't done almost anything, felt
>even
>worse, and got help. I needed to sort myself out - I was procrastinating
>
>like never before (I actually think I gave it a new meaning), and
>feeling
>worse and worse. Then March 2006 came along and I got married. By then I
>
>was back on my two feet, my confidence was back and I was ready to roll
>again. Then in May 2006 I found out I was pregnant...! Then in October
>(and
>now if I could I wouldn't have agreed to it) we moved house - but we
>started getting out house ready for sale in July and looked for houses
>then
>onwards. I worked through out my pregnancy - I had to suspend the PhD
>from
>November 1st to April 30th, 2007 -, but managed to go to the department
>and
>work all the way to the end of November. The baby was born on December
>21st, 15 days overdue...
>
>So far, with a house looking like a war site (it needs decorating, etc.
>and, obviously, since the baby was born we haven't managed to do
>anything
>about it!) and a baby to look after, I haven't managed to touch any
>of
>my
>PhD stuff. I hate living among chaos, I don't seem to be able to do
>anything else but taking care of the baby, and I wish I could start
>doing
>something now (or soon) and not when I need to go back to work. Also, I
>don't think I can do PhD work, taking care of baby, and do house work
>(even
>if shared!) when I do get back to the department. The baby will be at
>nursery (at least for 3 days/week, so I can test) and I'm aiming to
>work,
>when he's around, when he's asleep.
>
>Can anyone share anything? Has any of you gone through something similar
>or
>is going through something similar? I could really do with some advice,
>other experiences, etc... I'm really scared and don't know what to do. I
>
>think I need someone to tell me that I can do it and all will be fine...
>
>Thank you for listening.
>
>Best wishes to you all,
>
>Sofia
>
>---------------
>Sofia Barbosa Bouças
>Full-time PhD Student (Calouste Gulbenkian Fundation Scholarship) &
>Research Associate to Dr Rachel Mitchell
>Honorary Research Fellow, Institute of Psychiatry, King's College,
>University of London
>Research Psychologist, Berkshire Healthcare NHS Trust
>
>Correspondence Address:
>School of Psychology and Clinical Language Sciences,
>The University of Reading,
>Earley Gate,
>Whiteknights,
>PO Box 238,
>Reading, Berkshire RG6 6AL
>United Kingdom
>
>Telephone: +44(0)1183785285 / +44(0)1183788523, ext.: 5285
>Fax: +44(0)1183786715
>Mobile: +44(0)7709548639
>E-mails: [log in to unmask] /
>[log in to unmask]
>
--
--------------------------------------------
Miss Jo Fludder
PSYPAG Representative for Division of Neuropsychology /
PhD Student
Dept of Psychology
School of Psychology and Clinical Language Sciences,
University of Reading, UK
Correspondence Address:
School of Psychology and Clinical Language Science,
Earley Gate,
Whiteknights Road,
University of Reading,
Reading,
Berkshire.
RG6 6AL
UK
>
> Tel: +44 (0)118 378 8523
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