Yes, yes, a big juicy carrot - grown organically sans lapin - goes a
long way. A harsh pruning with big shears can induce an adverse
reaction. The more challenging comments can come later when the new
gardener has become accustomed to the ways and means of this kitchen
garden. umm. Maybe that was too much with the gardening metaphors.
Roger
On 3/26/07, MC Ward <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Gavin, I agree with most of Kasper's comments, but
> wanted to add an encouraging note, which is that this
> poem is so much better than the first one you posted.
> I also think you're using the listees' criticism very
> well. I know from personal experience that it's really
> hard to be faced with a no-holds-barred critique like
> Kasper's, as opposed to Doug's kindly advice.
>
> Candice
>
>
>
> --- kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> > you've given up the suffocating structure here,
> > which is nice; but the
> > same problem of lack of creativity persists.
> > I feel as though you've gone specifically for
> > clichés & platitudes,
> > because this is just a list of them. (also, I'm not
> > sure "angerly" is
> > a word at all, though in a rare circumstance it
> > might be cool)
> > if angst must be the inspiration for a poem, it
> > should at least be
> > disguised & recreated, not just imported.
> >
> > KS
> >
> > On 26/03/07, Gavin Fagan <[log in to unmask]>
> > wrote:
> > > Loneliest Walk
> > >
> > > Silently I sit looking out to sea
> > > Watching the waves
> > > Foaming up
> > > Breaking all around
> > >
> > > Remembering those Summer nights
> > > Bare foot across the sand
> > > The tide lapping at our feet
> > > Arm in arm
> > > Quietly we'd sit
> > > As the sun
> > > Slowly sank in the distance
> > >
> > > Now the clouds are dark
> > > Tide no longer
> > > Lapping at our feet
> > > Waves angerly lashing
> > > At the rocks all around
> > >
> > > Unhurriedly I stand
> > > Recalling the dark night
> > > You left me
> > >
> > > Step be step I walk
> > > Bit by bit I feel the waves
> > > As they climb
> > > Until I have only
> > > A picture of you
> > > In my mind!
> > >
> > > Written by Gavin WM Fagan 2007
> > >
> > > Would like feed back on my poem, thanks.
> > > [log in to unmask]
> > >
> > >
> > > Send instant messages to your online friends
> > http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
> > >
> >
>
>
>
>
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--
My Stuff: http://www.badstep.net/
"Patriotism is a virtue of the vicious." Oscar Wilde
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