Advances in one's sense of what poetry is, and what makes a poem, don't
come gradually and incrementally; they come in sudden jolts. One day you
suddenly realize something you never did before, and it changes
everything. This has happened to me over and over again, most
dramatically when I was young, on the day that something suddenly
clicked inside my head and I moved from writing self-indulgent pap to
writing poems. The three poems that came out of that sudden revelation
(prepared for with long, serious work, but not realized until then) were
later published in Poetry.
Try rewriting the first stanza.
Take yourself out of it. Let us know that you're looking out to sea by
making us see the sea, and making us see it in a new way. Don't give us
lines about the sea that let us know you've read other lines about the
sea; make us see it. If you want us to see it through the eyes of
someone who's heartbroken, give us an image of the sea that expresses
that, so you don't have to tell us that your heartbroken. Make it an
Ezra Pound/Imagist poem, just one image, one metaphor. Don't use the
first metaphor that comes to your mind. Or the second. Or the third.
Maybe the fourth,
MC Ward wrote:
> Gavin, I agree with most of Kasper's comments, but
> wanted to add an encouraging note, which is that this
> poem is so much better than the first one you posted.
> I also think you're using the listees' criticism very
> well. I know from personal experience that it's really
> hard to be faced with a no-holds-barred critique like
> Kasper's, as opposed to Doug's kindly advice.
>
> Candice
>
>
>
> --- kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
>
>> you've given up the suffocating structure here,
>> which is nice; but the
>> same problem of lack of creativity persists.
>> I feel as though you've gone specifically for
>> clichés & platitudes,
>> because this is just a list of them. (also, I'm not
>> sure "angerly" is
>> a word at all, though in a rare circumstance it
>> might be cool)
>> if angst must be the inspiration for a poem, it
>> should at least be
>> disguised & recreated, not just imported.
>>
>> KS
>>
>> On 26/03/07, Gavin Fagan <[log in to unmask]>
>> wrote:
>>
>>> Loneliest Walk
>>>
>>> Silently I sit looking out to sea
>>> Watching the waves
>>> Foaming up
>>> Breaking all around
>>>
>>> Remembering those Summer nights
>>> Bare foot across the sand
>>> The tide lapping at our feet
>>> Arm in arm
>>> Quietly we'd sit
>>> As the sun
>>> Slowly sank in the distance
>>>
>>> Now the clouds are dark
>>> Tide no longer
>>> Lapping at our feet
>>> Waves angerly lashing
>>> At the rocks all around
>>>
>>> Unhurriedly I stand
>>> Recalling the dark night
>>> You left me
>>>
>>> Step be step I walk
>>> Bit by bit I feel the waves
>>> As they climb
>>> Until I have only
>>> A picture of you
>>> In my mind!
>>>
>>> Written by Gavin WM Fagan 2007
>>>
>>> Would like feed back on my poem, thanks.
>>> [log in to unmask]
>>>
>>>
>>> Send instant messages to your online friends
>>>
>> http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
>>
>
>
>
>
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--
Tad Richards
http://www.opus40.org/tadrichards/
http://opusforty.blogspot.com/
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