this is pretty cohesive, somehow; there's attention to rhythm &
occasional good lines:
-- burning midnight oil for no one
-- a mid-bridge kiss
-- .. as you wait for another round of drinks
that last one isn't great on its own but it ties together the sappy,
clichéd romancing into a specific moment which redeems some of the
awkward simplicity. I do enjoy the images of the second stanza as a
person in love, but not as a reader; and I feel that's a significant
difference. the stanza begins terribly, is that THREE clichés in one
line? the rest is good, even very good.
I suspect what this poem really needs, i.m.o., is a controlling of
tone. it looks as well as sounds banally bleary-eyed. there's no
comment, no irony, no inventive metaphors even, & those lacks make the
poem a little flaccid. you need to watch out for clichés, they are
poison to a poem & you only need a small amount for it to be lethal.
"A dream that lived in Fairy tales" may just be the worst line I've
ever read. probably not, but it's a contender. in fact the last three
lines, separated & praying that they'll carry some poetic weight,
mangle the poem even further.
all this criticism said, I repeat that there is an attention here that
prevents the poem being doomed, & at least the speaker is consistent;
I thought for a moment that you'd switched from 2nd/3rd person to 1st,
then realised that in some senses this poem is approaching solidity.
but at the moment, it really is bad. you can still fix it if you want
to.
KS
On 28/02/07, Heather Taylor <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Not sure about line breaks...never really am to be honest! Let me know what
> you think...
>
> Back-shelved Love
>
> Late night meetings, self-enforced deadlines
> Burning midnight oil for no one.
>
> Days pass hours fly and we forget moments together:
> A walk through river valleys,
> the way his hand lingers
> On your back, a mid-bridge kiss
> St. Paul's in the distance,
> Breathing in each other
> on mornings buried under covers,
> Holding hands under tables,
> his nose nuzzling your shoulder
> As you wait for another round of drinks.
>
> The memories of weekends
> Stolen moments
> A wink
> His laughter mingled with yours
> A long look
> The crinkle of eyes
> Moments of loving
> when the parts come together
> Your skin to sink in
> become something more.
>
> A dream that lived in Fairy tales.
>
> A love unspoken.
>
> Yours.
>
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