Hello Colin I understand what you mean here but think it is a little 
confusing in places. I have taken the liberty of editting your poem. If it 
doesn't suit please ignore. I do like the sentiments and the emotion in your 
poem. The last two lines I think could be omitted. Best wishes Sally


>From: Colin Dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: newsub/schematic
>Date: Sun, 4 Feb 2007 14:55:24 -0000
>
>Should I ditch the last two lines of S3 or try to make something of them? 
>I've put them in brackets because I'm not sure what to do with them.
>
>
>Is there a better bird than swallow for this poem? The last part of S2 
>isn't quite right either.
>
>Colin
>
>
>
>
>
>Schematic entrapment
>
>At least this:
>to slip my hands  (as air) through fronds
>where I lie grounded
>and breath becomes awareness .(of now and here.)
>
>I do not wish to see (beyond this evening,)
>beyond the star as small as tormentil,
>the one thing in perfect focus.
>Vision lifts (each) the swallow against the sky.
>(But) The mind unfolds where it flows (as water)
>to open stone in a glass world.
>
>(Stone) Holding to darkness (like )the weight of regret.
>How hard to concentrate on emptiness,
  the present or love.
>(Even) When I am a wing beats away from loss.


(from feather to parchment to the letter
>with what I'd said and thought).
>
>How can I bathe in your light?
>Lend me your hand and your arm in linen hills
>that our bodies may know each other.
>I do not choose that my mind is elsewhere.
>

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