Hi Sally,
I agree with what's been said about the fourth line - I don't think it's
needed. The ending's excellent.
Best wishes,
Matt
>From: Sally James <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new sub Ripped off
>Date: Sat, 3 Feb 2007 22:02:52 +0000
>
>Thanks Christina, You are quite right here, will work on this poem. "Wow
>cowboys on the job"
>"On the job" means something differant in these parts LOL. Best wishes
>Sally
>
>>From: Christina Fletcher <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: Re: new sub Ripped off
>>Date: Sat, 3 Feb 2007 15:51:30 -0500
>>
>>Hello Sally,
>>Gosh, The Works is almost silent. We could meditate together lol
>>Oh, dear, you've had cowboys in again. I like the ending but you could
>>make more of the cowboys on the job, so to speak. And perhaps omit the
>>fourth line?
>>bw
>>c
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Ripped off
>>
>>They saw me coming, I didn’t see them.
>>Cowboys, strutted in the drive
>>laying concrete paving.
>>Didn’t make a good job I was told.
>>Puddles form in hollows now.
>>Fishes could swim there, frogs spawn.
>>Too late now, my hard earned money
>>peed against the wall one Friday night.
>>I need a man with a star on his chest
>>to put them behind iron bars
>>instead of the wooden ones they lean on.
>>
>>Sally james
>>
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