Thank you for all these helpful suggestions. I'll have a closer look at them
torrow and will use some of them.
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "Gary Blankenship" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, February 20, 2007 11:19 PM
Subject: Re: newsub/park
> Colin, I have been looking at this and am ready to say something
>
> Pleistocene Park
>
>
>
> Their call will be distinctive when I find them -
> or come across them - since I'd rather we didn't meet. (or come across
> them - alternatives without real purpose weaken a poem)
> I'd rather the quietness of trees and not a jungle, (this one has purpose,
> but cut and)
> grey squirrels, magpies even or a stray cat (cut even and or and and and
> replace and in the next with but)
> and not this expedition so close to home. (expedition might be better as
> discovery)
>
> I'll know them from their clothing. They're sure
> that white is right this year, of unzipped trackies
> and nylon caps as I am sure from their shouts
> and fresh litter that they are near. (cut that)
>
> The oak trunk's marked. I remember the blades. (I remember the blades does
> not seem to belong)
> Spray paint repeats the enigma TOBY from bark to bark- (cut the enigma)
> spraint in territory, local as a red tattoo- (spraint?)
> or are they passing through? - like young Masai, (one of these, two at the
> most if they are a contrast)
> Suri or Nyangatom, to make or break?
>
> Young men. They're the ones are they not?- (cut the question)
> best head hunters, suicide bombers or first (best as)
> onto the beach at Normandy. (Normandy beach)
> More glass, exotic weed and knives, smoke (weed, knives and smoke)
> and then the look that clarifies which tribe (cut and then)
> shall be their enemies, the chequer-caps,
> the CHUDS or nameless me, because of.? (cut or and because of.?)
> because of what they think I've got?
>
> Labyrinth without exit, bounded by houses, lit and locked. (A
> lab...)(break at houses)
> All shamans have departed and older boys that knew this spot (break at
> boys)
> are caged, wasted or dead. (cut are and or)
> And yet they've half-way found ancestral home, (found an)
> *"as if they'd somehow known that lost estate they mourn"*
>
> Some say this park's a green lung in the city
> that helps us into nature, Eden; it's peace and quiet. (- Eden, peace...)
> They're right. I'm breathing deeply (I breath deeply)
> yet make no sound, more mindful that before (than)
> of any gap in the bushes. I remember the gate
> I went though once, that will not let them in. (that should not let them
> in -- but you can't be sure)
>
> Good luck.
>
> Gary
>
>
>
> Gary's book, A River Transformed at http://www.lulu.com/content/178110
>
> Jan and last FireWeed ready to read.
> at http://www.mindfirerenew.com.
>
> Gar's blog at http://garydawg.blogspot.com/
>
>
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