To be honest Colin. I don't think I have the authority to crriticise others 
work to any great extent. I did two courses on creative writing and was 
criticised so badly that it took me a couple of years to get going again and 
to get my confidence back. Also I have known other writers who have been put 
off writing for ever because of tutors being too harsh. That is why I try to 
look for the positive  in a poem. rather than the negative. I think there 
are so many differant ways of writing and it is so subjective anyway. I 
suppose the best way is for writers to be their own critic and compare their 
writing with others. I tend not to bother if the puncuation is not right  as 
long as the poem has a message or an elemant of truth. It can be tidied up 
later with many drafts untill it is about the best I can do. best wishes 
sally


>From: Colin Dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: newsub/park/Sally J
>Date: Mon, 19 Feb 2007 19:07:19 -0000
>
>But you can criticise the poem. You could say that the whole poem didn't 
>scan, or you found it dull, for example, if you wanted to and then you 
>could say it again and then a third time if you felt like it. I don't have 
>any sense that I'm writing better poetry that anyone else, just that 
>everyone's goals are different as writer or reader.
>
>The line you mentioned and the one after attempt a transfer of anamnesis 
>from a Yeatsian to a Darwinian model and perhaps its not successful at any 
>level. I certainly have struggled with it in the writing. Maybe I need to 
>keep trying.
>
>Thanks for the crit.
>
>Colin
>
>
>----- Original Message ----- From: "Sally James" <[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Monday, February 19, 2007 11:17 AM
>Subject: Re: newsub/park
>
>
>>Colin, I understand what you are saying to a certain degree and I guess 
>>every city has a similar park where youths gather. It can be quite 
>>frightening and I wish they would respect nature. There is a lot said in 
>>your poem about life and times past and how youths would have behaved at 
>>their particular time as well as in the present time. I can't really 
>>critisize your poem as you have your own particular style and way of 
>>expressing your thoughts so I can't find much fault except perhaps in the 
>>penultimate verse " and yet they're half way found ancestral home"  for me 
>>this doesn't seem to scan right.  I like the way the poem ends. A very 
>>interesting poem. best wishes sally j
>>
>>
>>>From: Colin Dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>>Subject: newsub/park
>>>Date: Sun, 18 Feb 2007 15:47:21 -0000
>>>
>>>       *....* = in italics
>>>
>>>
>>>  Pleistocene Park
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Their call will be distinctive when I find them -
>>>or come across them - since I'd rather we didn't meet.
>>>I'd rather the quietness of trees and not a jungle,
>>>grey squirrels, magpies even or a stray cat
>>>and not this expedition so close to home.
>>>
>>>I'll know them from their clothing. They're sure
>>>that white is right this year, of unzipped trackies
>>>and nylon caps as I am sure from their shouts
>>>and fresh litter that they are near.
>>>
>>>The oak trunk's marked. I remember the blades.
>>>Spray paint repeats the enigma TOBY from bark to bark-
>>>spraint in territory, local as a red tattoo-
>>>or are they passing through? - like young Masai,
>>>Suri or Nyangatom, to make or break?
>>>
>>>Young men. They're the ones are they not?-
>>>best head hunters, suicide bombers or first
>>>onto the beach at Normandy.
>>>More glass, exotic weed and knives, smoke
>>>and then the look that clarifies which tribe
>>>shall be their enemies, the chequer-caps,
>>>the CHUDS or nameless me, because of.?
>>>because of what they think I've got?
>>>
>>>Labyrinth without exit, bounded by houses, lit and locked.
>>>All shamans have departed and older boys that knew this spot
>>>are caged, wasted or dead.
>>>And yet they've half-way found ancestral home,
>>>*"as if they'd somehow known that lost estate they mourn"*
>>>
>>>Some say this park's a green lung in the city
>>>that helps us into nature, Eden; it's peace and quiet.
>>>They're right. I'm breathing deeply
>>>yet make no sound, more mindful that before
>>>of any gap in the bushes. I remember the gate
>>>I went though once, that will not let them in.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Colin
>>
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