Thanks, Judy, Caleb and Doug. There is such a slag heap of doubt between
myself and my work. Now I'm beginning to hear the dragging articles,
pronouns etc. in these lines (and the other 80).
Judy, my underlying equivocation was not explicit to me until I saw your
question. I came to say goodbye to my husband in the Chapel of Rest (a
converted garage...). He was a fundamental Atheist. In life, he, too, would
have laughed at his Bishopness. The equivocation was simply love and anger.
I loved him, and I hated him so much for bringing me to that bizarre room
where he couldn't share the joke. In my memory, I have such a sense of
drowing in the awful surreality of the place.
Crumbs, my mind's taking off with all sorts of possibilities now. And I
have the children's stuff to get ready for school.
Thank you.
Cindy
----- Original Message -----
From: "Douglas Barbour" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, February 02, 2007 4:27 PM
Subject: Re: Reprieving Isaac (was Off Marrickville Road)
> I'm not worried about 'metre' Cindy, but parts of this intriguing extract
> do seem a bit slow. Although I can't think o too much to cut, beyond the
> 'the' before 'silk'. And I'm not sure how important the "'done up'" is; a
> phrase the other used? If not is it needed?
>
> The kind of questions I'd ask as an editor....
>
> Doug
> On 1-Feb-07, at 10:54 AM, Cindy Lee wrote:
>
>> Apologies for the subject line - *'Be prepared to kill your babies'
>> (Michael Donaghy's version of the maxim) seemed a bit too extreme for a
>> subject line...
>>
>> <On 31/01 Caleb wrote re 'Snap - Off Marrickville Road' : "I ended up
>> dumping that line - it didn't really get towards the idea of what <I
>> wanted the work to do. And now I've sort of dumped the poem a bit as
>> well."
>>
>> Not completely, I hope. I 'see' the jarring quality of that line, but it
>> held a truth, to which the jarring seemed appropriate. And that probably
>> just says that I like the simple and the obvious...
>>
>> Which brings me to my "stuff". This is an extract from a poem written
>> last year which I'm currently revising:
>>
>> (Later, in that last room,
>>
>> where only the silk facsimiles of flowers keep you company,
>>
>> I will find you 'done up' in salmon pink,
>>
>> lace about your wrist and throat, your wedding ring
>>
>> a loose halo about the bone.
>>
>>
>>
>> These Bishop's clothes will lend you such a godly air,
>>
>> that laughter at the affront of your coolly
>>
>> godless self
>>
>> will vie in my gut with the unbidden urge to
>>
>> snap that bone for safe-keeping.)
>>
>>
>>
>> As apparent, my grasp of metre has barely improved, so any comments,
>> however harsh, would be gladly received. "Gut" is not the 'right' word,
>> but I don't know what is.
>>
>> Cindy
>>
>>
>>
>>
> Douglas Barbour
> 11655 - 72 Avenue NW
> Edmonton Ab T6G 0B9
> (780) 436 3320
> http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
>
> Latest book: Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
> http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
>
>
> NATURE MORTE
>
> It's still
> life. It
> just ain't moving.
>
> Robert Creeley
>
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