Hi, Cindy,
I like the 1st stanza just as it is----in turns, poignant, hilarious, and stark. I don't think it's too talky.
Now I see that for me, your evident tenderness changed dramatically when I imagined your snapping his bone (2nd stanza). I couldn't reconcile the change in emotions, but I think they're important to represent without confusion.
The +how+ of doing that is, of course, the +how+ of doing poetry. I often find that brainstorming, ruthless selecting from the bits, and much rearranging and refining helps. It reveals to me what I'm really talking about as well as how I want to talk about it. And, usually, the process decides to stop, so I know I'm finished ;-).
Much best fun with this and your other poetry-writes.
Judy
---- Cindy Lee <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Thanks, Judy, Caleb and Doug. There is such a slag heap of doubt between
> myself and my work. Now I'm beginning to hear the dragging articles,
> pronouns etc. in these lines (and the other 80).
>
> Judy, my underlying equivocation was not explicit to me until I saw your
> question. I came to say goodbye to my husband in the Chapel of Rest (a
> converted garage...). He was a fundamental Atheist. In life, he, too, would
> have laughed at his Bishopness. The equivocation was simply love and anger.
> I loved him, and I hated him so much for bringing me to that bizarre room
> where he couldn't share the joke. In my memory, I have such a sense of
> drowing in the awful surreality of the place.
>
> Crumbs, my mind's taking off with all sorts of possibilities now. And I
> have the children's stuff to get ready for school.
>
> Thank you.
>
> Cindy
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Douglas Barbour" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Friday, February 02, 2007 4:27 PM
> Subject: Re: Reprieving Isaac (was Off Marrickville Road)
>
>
> > I'm not worried about 'metre' Cindy, but parts of this intriguing extract
> > do seem a bit slow. Although I can't think o too much to cut, beyond the
> > 'the' before 'silk'. And I'm not sure how important the "'done up'" is; a
> > phrase the other used? If not is it needed?
> >
> > The kind of questions I'd ask as an editor....
> >
> > Doug
> > On 1-Feb-07, at 10:54 AM, Cindy Lee wrote:
> >
> >> Apologies for the subject line - *'Be prepared to kill your babies'
> >> (Michael Donaghy's version of the maxim) seemed a bit too extreme for a
> >> subject line...
> >>
> >> <On 31/01 Caleb wrote re 'Snap - Off Marrickville Road' : "I ended up
> >> dumping that line - it didn't really get towards the idea of what <I
> >> wanted the work to do. And now I've sort of dumped the poem a bit as
> >> well."
> >>
> >> Not completely, I hope. I 'see' the jarring quality of that line, but it
> >> held a truth, to which the jarring seemed appropriate. And that probably
> >> just says that I like the simple and the obvious...
> >>
> >> Which brings me to my "stuff". This is an extract from a poem written
> >> last year which I'm currently revising:
> >>
> >> (Later, in that last room,
> >>
> >> where only the silk facsimiles of flowers keep you company,
> >>
> >> I will find you 'done up' in salmon pink,
> >>
> >> lace about your wrist and throat, your wedding ring
> >>
> >> a loose halo about the bone.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> These Bishop's clothes will lend you such a godly air,
> >>
> >> that laughter at the affront of your coolly
> >>
> >> godless self
> >>
> >> will vie in my gut with the unbidden urge to
> >>
> >> snap that bone for safe-keeping.)
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> As apparent, my grasp of metre has barely improved, so any comments,
> >> however harsh, would be gladly received. "Gut" is not the 'right' word,
> >> but I don't know what is.
> >>
> >> Cindy
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> > Douglas Barbour
> > 11655 - 72 Avenue NW
> > Edmonton Ab T6G 0B9
> > (780) 436 3320
> > http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
> >
> > Latest book: Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
> > http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
> >
> >
> > NATURE MORTE
> >
> > It's still
> > life. It
> > just ain't moving.
> >
> > Robert Creeley
> >
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