alright, I can throw in some praise (seems I forgot them the first time..). :)
- the poem opens with a hook, it's light but interesting
- "Women / in bright dresses, cling // to the wire fence. Their faces.
/ Like fog."
if this were made more fluid (e.g. "their faces are [like] fog") it
would be even more startling than it already is. best lines in the
poem.
- "Bar the doors" is nice & dramatic, though the stoppering flow of
the poem up to that point renders its drama inefficient.
the thing that really ruined this for me, if I may say so, was "It is
dense // with loss and pain". yes, one line can ruin a poem for me.
one bad line can destroy an entire poem's poise, as it did here. "loss
& pain"? you seriously can't put that in an any more interesting way?
this can turn out good though. :)
KS
On 21/02/07, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> ouch
>
> On 2/21/07, S B <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >
> > ouch
> >
> > On 2/21/07, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > >
> > > sorry, this is jutting & obtuse to me. "like fog" repetition is dull &
> > > blunt, as are the short phrases. but that's only the second half; this
> > > begins promisingly, but then that makes it all the more disappointing.
> > >
> > > KS
> > >
> > > On 21/02/07, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > > > Fever, fog, bewilderment. Where
> > > > is the edge of this dream?
> > > >
> > > > Someone has been killed.
> > > > There is blood evidence.
> > > >
> > > > Elk, bears, and moutain goats
> > > > are mating in the streets.
> > > >
> > > > This house is filled with past
> > > > friends and lovers. It is dense
> > > >
> > > > with loss and pain. Like fog.
> > > > Snow falls, thickly; but
> > > >
> > > > the landscape is bare. Women
> > > > in bright dresses, cling
> > > >
> > > > to the wire fence. Their faces.
> > > > Like fog. I am watching.
> > > >
> > > > Men kneel on the stones.
> > > > Soldiers in bright uniforms
> > > >
> > > > carry their dark guns
> > > > through the streets. I am
> > > >
> > > > watching. Brightness, through
> > > > the fog. Bar the doors.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > --
> > > > ~ SB =^..^=
> > > >
> > > > http://www.sbpoet.com
> > > >
> > >
> >
> >
> >
> > --
> > ~ SB =^..^=
> >
> > http://www.sbpoet.com
> >
>
>
>
> --
> ~ SB =^..^=
>
> http://www.sbpoet.com
>
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