Kasper - I disagree about the commas. They pace the poem with a gentle
introspection, like brushes on a snare drum instead of sticks.
Andrew
On 13/12/06, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> this is very good in that it muses & rambles philosophically, but doesn't
> get stuck in all the common goo. some good little insights here, & images.
> but technically the poem is a bit of a mess; if at least half of those
> commas were eradicated, this would be even better. the rhythm jumbles this
> unnecessarily at the moment.
>
> KS
>
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