Thanks Jon & Kasper for your comments on both my poems.
Jon says
> This is gorgeous. It's the sort of poem that I don't worry about not
> understanding.
Me neither. But I've analysed it a bit and thought of various
interpretations! The first stanza came to me in that state
where you're nearly asleep. I had to wake myself up to write it down.
> Maybe "carve" in line last-1 should come first in the sentence to make it
> clearer it's an imperative -- I thought at first it was a misprint for
> carved. Think it makes the rhythm better too.
as in "Carve in the stone, among the graffiti"? Maybe. I think it
reads better as it is though, and the whole poem is imperative:
"Listen" "Remember" "Weep" "Let your petals fall"
Kasper says
> though the
> stoppering progression seems to serve a sort of symbolistic purpose, it nags
> me no end. in my opinion this would be better if it were given a shake.
I'm not sure what you mean by "stoppering progression".
Do you mean all the enjambments, especially in the third stanza?
It's an effect I like to use to emphasise certain words (yes, sometimes
for their symbolism), and to mess with the rhythms and sound-echoes.
And in this poem I'm trying to make the reader slow down and really
experience the words.
Maybe you're looking for something like
Roof of sunleaves, walls of stone,
ivy on walls of stone. Trees.
Humus on steps of stone. Bright graffiti.
Flower bravely, let your petals fall on it.
which is closer to its original form.
Hmm.
Janet
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Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
Poems at Proximity:
http://www.proximity.webhop.net
You cannot love alone
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