Please forgive me for this critique and disregard it if you wish; it's
a wonderful, empathic idea; but I would try to make it much simpler,
clearer and prettier. For example, here's perhaps how I'd do retaining
much of your words
A leaf
After leaf
Is swept
Under a tree that wept
Forget the pen and paper; tell it to yourself, and count the words on
your fingers if you need to. You could perhaps start with the above,
to make the reader wonder what's going on.
I would also minimise the number of images in the piece; it could be
confusing to the reader. But if you must, then make it flow
Holiness
's an automn breath
And holy
's her work
Amongst the trees
And holy's
Her head more than
A temple
Or a Dragon's lear
And holy's
Her face more than a
Fearsome face of a
Death ahead
And holy's
Her face more than the (a)
Fearsome death
That lies ahead
Here's Ziad chanting it
http://www.fileden.com/files/2006/10/11/280447/holymic__002.wav
Please note though; our taste is somewhat at odds with what we perceive to be
much of the literary mainstream. This never-sent letter explains it if you must
know the detail
http://www.fileden.com/files/2006/10/11/280447/letter_t.pdf
That said though, we'd never attempted literary publication, we just
write for ourselves, so we wouldn't know for sure if following our
advice would help or hinder you.
On 10/11/06, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> … shape of those bent shoulders
> and the entire body language
> speaks of resignation
> this lady sweeping leaves away
> under a weeping tree
>
> as tourists by the hundred
> walk passed her, not noticing her,
> staring at fading buildings,
> weathered sculptures of wood and stone.
> She is breathing on earth
> the same air as they, but
> working now, sweeping leaves …
>
> Holy holy holy her autumn breath,
> holy her work among the trees,
> holy her head more than ceilings of temples,
> her arms more holy than a winding dragon,
> her visage than the warrior's metal face.
>
> 11/10/2006
>
>
> --
> Andrew
> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> http://www.bam.com.au/andrew
>
--
Her Lust is Wiser is a book of verse by Biloxi Andersen and Ziad
Noureddine. It is part of ongoing diaries.
http://inkatthedevil.blogspot.com/
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