Actually, here's a slight amendment
Holiness
's an automn breath
And holy
's her work
Amongst the trees
And holy's
Her head more than
A temple
Or a Dragon's lear
And holy's
Her face more than a
Fearsome face of a
Death ahead
And holy's
Her **head** more than the (a)
Fearsome death
That lies ahead
On 10/12/06, biloxi andersen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Please forgive me for this critique and disregard it if you wish; it's
> a wonderful, empathic idea; but I would try to make it much simpler,
> clearer and prettier. For example, here's perhaps how I'd do retaining
> much of your words
>
> A leaf
> After leaf
> Is swept
> Under a tree that wept
>
> Forget the pen and paper; tell it to yourself, and count the words on
> your fingers if you need to. You could perhaps start with the above,
> to make the reader wonder what's going on.
>
> I would also minimise the number of images in the piece; it could be
> confusing to the reader. But if you must, then make it flow
>
> Holiness
> 's an automn breath
> And holy
> 's her work
> Amongst the trees
> And holy's
> Her head more than
> A temple
> Or a Dragon's lear
> And holy's
> Her face more than a
> Fearsome face of a
> Death ahead
> And holy's
> Her face more than the (a)
> Fearsome death
> That lies ahead
>
> Here's Ziad chanting it
>
> http://www.fileden.com/files/2006/10/11/280447/holymic__002.wav
>
> Please note though; our taste is somewhat at odds with what we perceive to be
> much of the literary mainstream. This never-sent letter explains it if you must
> know the detail
> http://www.fileden.com/files/2006/10/11/280447/letter_t.pdf
>
> That said though, we'd never attempted literary publication, we just
> write for ourselves, so we wouldn't know for sure if following our
> advice would help or hinder you.
>
>
>
>
>
> On 10/11/06, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > … shape of those bent shoulders
> > and the entire body language
> > speaks of resignation
> > this lady sweeping leaves away
> > under a weeping tree
> >
> > as tourists by the hundred
> > walk passed her, not noticing her,
> > staring at fading buildings,
> > weathered sculptures of wood and stone.
> > She is breathing on earth
> > the same air as they, but
> > working now, sweeping leaves …
> >
> > Holy holy holy her autumn breath,
> > holy her work among the trees,
> > holy her head more than ceilings of temples,
> > her arms more holy than a winding dragon,
> > her visage than the warrior's metal face.
> >
> > 11/10/2006
> >
> >
> > --
> > Andrew
> > http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> > http://www.bam.com.au/andrew
> >
>
>
--
Her Lust is Wiser is a book of verse by Biloxi Andersen and Ziad
Noureddine. It is part of ongoing diaries.
http://inkatthedevil.blogspot.com/
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