Thanks Fred, will think on it. Don't think dawdles quite does it but
take your point about the 'a'...
You're probably right about the title, although my senses were more
attuned to war than global warming....
Doug
On 27-Jul-06, at 9:38 AM, Frederick Pollack wrote:
> ----- Original Message ----- From: "Douglas Barbour"
> <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Thursday, July 27, 2006 11:03 AM
> Subject: Re: snap 26 VII 2006
>
>
>> Double haiku for a damaged world:
>>
>> Don't read those headlines
>> the thin moon grins grimaces
>> Think of my dead dust
>>
>> On a blasted plain
>> a single cherry blossom
>> drifts on a grey breeze
>>
> Doug, I like this but I have a suggestion. The second stanza is very
> obviously a haiku - not only because of the rhythm but the elegiac
> tone and the stock-property of a cherry-blossom. Why not call the
> poem "Global Warming" or "The Warming" and let the haiku angle emerge?
> Suggestion (de-haikuizing) for first stanza: "The thin moon grimaces
> / at my dead dust." And that "a" in the last line weakens "grey
> breeze," I think - possibly something like "dawdles on grey breeze"?
>
Douglas Barbour
11655 - 72 Avenue NW
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http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
Latest book: Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
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Historical imagination gathers in the missing
Susan Howe
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